You know the situation: you purchase something online from eBay, Amazon or any of the millions of other retailers, and almost as soon as the item is dispatched you receive an email or text asking how you thought the transaction went. Rate it from one to five stars. Oh, and please write a review if you would. Because your feedback matters and helps others to make informed decisions. Maybe.
I know these ‘reach-outs’ are all algorithms, but seriously, come on! Do retailers really need feedback on a packet of screws? Or a bag of paperclips? I was recently asked for my valued opinion on a pack of envelopes. They’re envelopes. You put things in them, seal ‘em up and send ‘em off. Should I have waxed lyrical about their lovely white colour and the smooth texture of the paper they’re made of? There's nothing to say.
Now don’t get me wrong; I have often read consumers’ reviews of products to help me make a decision on which product to buy, but these are usually for more expensive investments, and usually more complicated items than a packet of screws. So I understand that some reviews can be worthwhile, but I dislike being bombarded with requests to rate service, products or both for everyday items that have little worth. In the end, one paperclip is the same as another paperclip.
So I started my own mini-protest against the practice
of demanding reviews on ordinary goods by writing extensively on the purchased
items. Here is the first one I wrote, about a box of tealight candles I got via
eBay (and yes, in my enthusiasm I made a spelling mistake in the title)…
I hope that helped consumers considering purchasing the same tealights to make their minds up.
Just a couple of weeks later I bought some netting to
go over the fishpond in order to counter the eagle eye of a local crow
(although technically a crow cannot have an eagle’s eye, but you get the drift…).
Naturally a request came through almost immediately wanting to know what I
thought about said netting. Not wanting to fail in my public duty I
submitted this review…
However, I discovered that eBay had - and I’m sure this is purely coincidental - limited reviews to 500 characters since my first dissertation on the value and use of tealight candles. So unfortunately my eloquence on the lovely netting has gone unpublished. My new challenge is to write reviews using fewer than 500 characters. Not words, note, but characters, which includes letters, spaces, commas, full stops, etc. Very annoying, but since brevity is the soul of wit I shall have to be wittier more economically.
The constant demand for immediate feedback got me thinking about how it might be applied to a wider area of commerce, say, crime.
You are gutted. Upset. You question whether you should have fought back or cried out for help. Then you realise you should phone the police, but before you reach for your mobile it buzzes. You see it’s a text. You don’t know who it’s from but you read on, because it’s headed ’Your Rolex Experience.’
The text says:
Thank you for being mugged on High Street just now.
Thinking
about the experience, would you say the mugger was:
a)
Extremely polite
b)
Quite polite
c)
Not polite or otherwise
d) Really quite nasty
On a scale of one to ten, one being extremely disappointed and ten being extremely satisfied, where would you rate the timeliness of your mugger?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Thinking about how you were so easily relieved of your Rolex, would you say you were:
a)
A complete mug
b)
A partial mug
c)
Not a mug at all
d) In the wrong place at the wrong time?
(If
you answered [d] we will return your watch as soon as possible because
obviously it doesn’t work. If it did, you’d know the time and not be out on a
dark street where you could get mugged)
And finally, how likely are you to recommend getting mugged by a professional to friends?
a) Extremely likely
b) Quite likely
c) Not likely
d) Don't know
Anyway, I’d better go. I’ve just ordered ten pieces of sandpaper from Amazon and I need to compose my 500-character review before they arrive. It will of course be abrasive.
