The Good, the Bad and the Boring - Famous People I have Interviewed (Part One)

Rowan Atkinson. Image courtesy of BBC

Dave Allen was fabulous, Douglas Adams was gracious, Rowan Atkinson was charming, and Mel Smith was obnoxious. Arthur Lowe of Dad's Army was downright boring.

How do I know this? Because I interviewed them all and many others during my time hosting a regional news programme in New Zealand during the 1980s . 

(A note of caution: many of the famous people I interviewed are now dead, so if anyone suggests I should talk to you, run for the hills)

Before I spill the beans on some of the world's rich and famous, let me explain how I came to be in a position to meet these noters. In a nutshell, I had joined what was, back in the late 1970s, the BCNZ - the Broadcasting Corporation of New Zealand. I worked firstly in radio as an announcer with Radio New Zealand (RNZ), and after a couple of years moved into television (TVNZ) as a continuity announcer. 

In those days, as in the UK, TV announcers appeared on screen between the programmes to back-announce one programme and preview those coming up. We did this live on air, and wrote our own scripts. Quaintly, there were only women on the day shift and men on the evening shift. We males got the raw end of the deal as we were on duty till midnight.

Continuity announcing, like flying...

Live continuity announcing was like flying – long periods of boredom interrupted by moments of sheer terror. 

Being live on TV was tense, because usually you had only a minute or so to do your stuff between programmes, and then while the programmes themselves were playing you had nothing to do at all, except maybe chat to the Programme and Technical Directors, or read a book. Or of course watch television.

So it wasn't too long before I started looking for other opportunities, but first I had my first ever meeting with someone famous.

I was asked to interview Arthur Lowe, well known at the time for playing Captain Mainwaring in the enormously successful British comedy Dad’s Army.

He was visiting our studios for some reason, and one of the Programme Directors persuaded him to be interviewed on tape, for possible broadcast. It was a very last-minute arrangement, and all I had to go on by way of research was an old copy of the BBC’s Who’s Who on TV. The biographical information on Lowe was minimal, though it did mention he was interested in vintage steam boats.

So, Arthur Lowe and I are sat in one of the small presentation studios with a camera glaring at us, and I start asking him questions.

Yawn...

My first mistake was that I expected him to be funny, since he reduced everyone to tears in every episode of Dad’s Army. I was so wrong. 

Arthur Lowe was one of the dullest men I’ve ever met. I thought I would lead him onto the subject of vintage steam boats, and asked, ‘So what do you like to do in your spare time?” To which he replied with a shake of his head, ‘Oh I don’t have any spare time.' End of conversation.

We recorded a 15-minute interview, and when we reviewed it later (after Lowe had left) we found we couldn’t use any of it; he was just so incredibly boring. It was a big disappointment for me, but also an eye-opener, because I realised (many years later) that it was actually my fault. 

My problem was I was still wet behind the ears as far as interviewing was concerned, and very naïve. I'd expected him to be amusing, but in fact he was a comic actor, not a comedian. However, that shouldn’t have made him any less interesting. 

What I should have done was ask him why didn’t he have any spare time, was he a

workaholic, what other work did he do apart from Dad’s Army, how did this impact on his family life, and so on. Unfortunately I didn’t, and worse: it was a mistake I was to repeat with someone more famous later. But at the time the conclusion we reached was that Arthur Lowe was just dull.

The novelty of live continuity announcing wore off after 18 months or so, though I knew I loved the television medium, so when a vacancy for a news anchor role came up I applied, and after a successful audition and interview I got the job.

Good Evening and welcome to Today Tonight

Suddenly I was in a role that carried a lot more gravitas. I was a newsreader and interviewer, with the added bonus of being able to go into the field to record short features. And every evening, Monday through Friday, we the regional news team had to deliver live local news, between 6.40pm and 7.00pm, which I fronted. It was my first experience of working in a busy newsroom, and I loved it.

Perhaps the best part of the news anchor job though was the chance to interview some really famous people, either live in the studio or out 'in the field' on film (yes, it was 16mm film then, not video tape – that came later).

Every time someone famous came to town to do a show or similar we would get the chance to interview them. In the time I fronted Today Tonight – about four years – I met and interviewed stars as diverse as Barry Humphries (Dame Edna), Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy), scientist and astronomer Carl Sagan, French mime artist Marcel Marceau, the Botanic Man Dr. David Bellamy, comedians Mel Smith and Griff Rhys-Jones, Irish comedian Dave Allen (Yes, okay, I know he looks bored in the photo but he wasn't; I'm scintillating company, especially with a glass of wine in hand...) Great Dane Victor Borge, astronomer Sir Patrick Moore, the legendary Rowan Atkinson and the equally legendary Spike Milligan.

Dave Allen and I waiting while the crew set up

Bands such as Dire Straits and the Hollies joined the list along with some local Kiwi noters too, such as poet Sam Hunt, Prime Minister Rob Muldoon and property magnate Sir Bob Jones, among others.

Because the programme was only 20 minutes’ duration our interviews were, of necessity, short – usually no more than five minutes’ long. In the studio this meant being quite strict with timing, but in the field you could interview at length and then edit down afterwards. Thus it was my interview with Rowan Atkinson in the studio passed in a flash. I can’t now recall what we talked about, but he was very gracious. At that time he was known for his role in the British comedy Not The Nine O’clock News and had yet to assume the persona of Mr Bean or Blackadder.

Rowan Atkinson in Not The Nine O'clock News.
Image: Pinterest

Unlike Arthur Lowe, Atkinson was a joy to interview, even though what we talked about is lost in my ever-depleting neurons. But I do recall one of the intriguing things about Atkinson and that was that he had a stutter. 

Nothing major, nothing that would cause excruciating embarrassment where he just couldn’t get a word out, but I could recognise the technique he used to overcome it – sometimes by changing a word he was about to use, or taking a breath or pausing as though thinking (I know about these because I stuttered as a child and used the same coping mechanisms). And yet, when you watch him in Blackadder or Johnny English there isn’t the slightest hint of a stammer.

I too discovered that if the microphone was on, I never ever stuttered, but outside of the studio I would occasionally still have trouble with words. 

I saw this same suppressive effect in action with another TVNZ presenter of the 80s who hosted a live Sunday studio-based religious programme. Off-air he had quite an obvious stutter, but once that red light was on you would never ever know. I wonder why nobody has done a thesis on this.

Rowan Atkinson kindly autographed my script that evening before he left with then-girlfriend Lesley Ash (later to star in Men Behaving Badly and more). I pinned the script to the wall of the dressing room I used, from where it was later stolen. I think I know who did it, but no doubt he had an 'aleebee'.

Irish comic Dave Allen was another charmer, and I'll tell you more about meeting him and others in Part Two. Soon. Well, sometime soon; let's get the festive season out of the way first :-)

Red wine: is it good for your health?

 asks Mike Bodnar...

Image: thedrinksbusiness.com

Well, I could just say yes and we could all just head down to the nearest wine bar for a damn
good workout. But it's a bit more complicated than that, and anyway, is the answer actually yes?

Whether red wine is good for you is a question that's been pondered for decades, and it's not an easy question to answer – it's also not a simple question to ask.

Why? Because of course there are plenty of red wine drinkers who only want to hear that yes it is good for you, so these are not the right people to be asking the question of in the first place, even if they're as fit and healthy as a butcher's dog.

No, the best people to ask 'Is red wine good for you?' are the scientists and health professionals who are able to study the properties of red wine dispassionately, and not with one eye on the time to see how long it is till wine o'clock.

But before we learn a drop more about what they've been finding out, we need to ask: why red wine in particular? Why not white wine?

And why is red wine red? Questions, questions; it's enough to drive you to drink.

Pinot Noir, bursting with polyphenols. Image: Mike Bodnar

Surprisingly, there are only a handful of grape varieties in the world that have red juice. The vast majority of red grapes have clear juice. The colour of red wine comes from the grape skins when the winemaker leaves the skins and the juice in contact for a while after pressing – the longer the contact, the deeper the red.

So that suggests that any health properties of red wine must come from the grape skins rather then the juice. And yes, that's right. Grape skins contain antioxidants called polyphenols which research has shown to be generally good for us.

And there are more polyphenols in red grapes than white grapes, so that's why there's more focus on red wine and what it can do for us. I'll drink to that.

One of these polyphenols is resveratrol - not a word to try after a few glasses of Penfold's Hermitage - but, I'm delighted to tell you, resveratrol can be both heart-protecting and anti-aging, so obviously a little of that wouldn't do us any harm right? True, but there's a catch.

Studies in mice showed compelling evidence that resveratrol had definite beneficial effects, because it decreases bad cholesterol (LDL), and increases good cholesterol (HDL). Must be true – when did you last see a mouse with a Zimmer frame?

But the mice were given resveratrol as a supplement - they didn't attend a red wine tasting.

Image: http://www.la-rubrica-della-chimica.com/

For those benefits to be felt by humans it's said – by one Harvard-linked Dr. Kenneth Mukamal – that we'd have to drink hundreds or even a thousand glasses of red wine a day to ingest the required amounts of the good stuff. I can hear red wine fans shouting 'yes!' and punching the air right now, but before you pop the cork on that delicious Burgundy you were saving for Christmas, let's face it – a hundred glasses of red wine a day and you've got a problem.

But the actual amount of red wine that's 'good for you' is contentious anyway. There seems to be general agreement that yes red wine does contain elements of benefit, but there's a whole wine-box of other factors to take into consideration.

What is 'good for you' depends on, for example, your gender. Sadly ladies, it has been proved

that men can safely drink more than women – in a health context that is. Obviously either sex (and, to be completely woke, any gender or combination of genders) can get completely wasted if they want to, but that's not the point.

For example, it's suggested that a couple of glasses of red wine a day for males, and one glass for females, can have health benefits. Any more and those benefits don't necessarily increase, any less and you might not get any benefits at all. It's a typically cautious approach though, as no scientist wants to be seen promoting alcohol, or end up in court being sued by someone who develops a drinking problem and shouts, 'I'll she yew in court pal!'.

If you're boozy you'll get dizzy. Image Mike Bodnar

But the 'right' amount also depends on factors such as your weight, the rest of your diet, and how you live on a day-to-day basis.

Which brings us to the issue of lifestyle. Have you heard of the 'French Paradox'? This is based on the fact that the French drink a lot of red wine – at least in comparison with most other countries – while also having a high intake of dietary cholesterol and saturated fat, and yet the French have a relatively low incidence of Coronary Heart Disease (CHD) death rates.

That's the paradox: France is a nation of bon vivants who should, in principle, not live long enough to enjoy a fine vintage Bordeaux that needs to be aged in the cellar for 60-to-80 years before it's ready to drink. They'd be popping their clogs before they could pop the cork. But somehow they do live long enough, and have a much lower rate of CDH than say the Scandiwegian countries, or Britain or Northern Ireland.

So on the surface it would look as though drinking red wine is good for your heart. But that's hardly a scientific study – it's more anecdotal, and some scientists are suspicious of French medical statistics, saying that it's possible some French doctors fail to record CHD as a contributing factor on death certificates. Sacre Bleu!

In principle, the French tucking in to meals of goose liver, rich cheeses, pastries and croissants (maybe not on the same plate) should result in their keeling over at quite a high rate. And yet, washing it all down with glasses of red wine seems to be an antidote.

Perhaps we can leave the French doctors and the world's scientists to duel at dawn – corkscrews at 20 paces.

The menu plays a big part. Image: Mike Bodnar

In the meantime, also supporting the influence of lifestyle is the Mediterranean diet. This shows that a diet that comprises a lot more fruit and vegetables is definitely healthier – no surprises there, we all need our five a day – but a scientific study showed that when combined with red wine the benefits multiply.

Remember at the start when I said the question 'Is red wine good for you?' isn't an easy one to ask? Now you're getting the picture; it's because no country's population anywhere simply survives on red wine alone. We don't have a red wine control group. There are always multiple factors at play, and that's the case in the Mediterranean countries where diet plays such an important role in the statistics.

The good news is that international studies are ongoing, and there's hardly a month goes by without new research revealing that red wine in certain contexts has demonstrable benefits. For example, a recent study published in the Journal of Alzheimer's Disease shows there's link between our diet and preventing cognitive decline. 

The Iowa State University study revealed that cheese, by a significant factor, was the most protective food against age-related cognitive problems. For those of us of 'a certain age' the really welcoming news is that this even applies later in life. 

But wait, there's more! It gets better. Most of us know that cheese and wine are natural taste buddies, and I'm delighted to reveal that the same study into cheese's positive effects on cognitive decline also showed that a daily consumption of alcohol, notably red wine, resulted in improvements in cognitive function. Personally I usually find the opposite applies, but hey, I'm not going to argue with science.

Possible benefits for those 'of a certain age'. Image: Mike Bodnar

And the study was a seriously in-depth one, not something just swirled around and spat out. Data was collected from almost 1,800 'aging adults' in the UK over a 10-year period.

Auriel Willette, who's an assistant professor in Food Science and Human Nutrition at Iowa State, was quoted as saying, 'I was pleasantly surprised that our results suggest that responsibly eating cheese and drinking red wine daily are not just good for helping us cope with our current COVID-19 pandemic, but perhaps also dealing with an increasingly complex world that never seems to slow down.' 

Mr Willette went on to note, 'I believe the right food choices can prevent the disease (Alzheimer's) and cognitive decline altogether. Perhaps the silver bullet we're looking for is upgrading how we eat. Knowing what that entails contributes to a better understanding of Alzheimer's and putting this disease in a reverse trajectory.'

Those are big, robust and juicy claims to make, but I for one will be happy to carry on the research at home. Now, where's my cheese knife, and where did I put that corkscrew?

,

Four Candles Re-lit

 

Britain's favourite television comedy sketch, Four Candles, dates back to the mid-1970s.

The Four Candles. Image: Daily Mail

The sketch featured on the primetime TV show The Two Ronnies, starring Ronnie
Corbett and Ronnie Barker. It was an immediate hit, tickling the nation's funny bone with the premise of the mis-heard phrase 'four candles' when in fact it was fork handles that Ronnie Barker wanted to buy.

Further homophonic misunderstandings occur during the sketch while Barker tries to buy other items from Corbett, including hose; what Barker wanted was Os - for his house name - as in 'Mon Repose'. It relied on Cockney pronunciation to elevate the confusion, but it was fun to both watch and listen to.

Ronnie Corbett losing patience. Image: stuff.co.nz

However, it had a weak ending - Barker said he was never really happy with it - when Corbett grabs Barker's shopping list in frustration and is horrified at what was to come next. It was a lame visual play on words, and we see Corbett declare that he absolutely wouldn't be providing the last thing on the list. The camera then zooms in on a drawer labelled 'Bill Hooks', and we're to assume Barker would have pronounced it 'bollocks'. (A billhook is a type of forestry or gardening cutting implement)

I agreed with Ronnie B that the ending was weak - it was changed for a 2005 Two Ronnies' Special where Corbett looks at the list and storms out, only to be replaced by a rather well-built young lady who also works in the store and asks, "Right then sir, what kind of knockers are you looking for?" 

I know, we groan now at the dad joke, but it would have appealed to Ronnie Barker who absolutely loved old English seaside postcard humour.

Image: Metro

Over the years I've seen the Four Candles sketch resurface or referred to many times, and it's been voted Britain's favourite TV comedy sketch and the best Two Ronnies' sketch on at least two occasions. The original script surfaced on an episode of Antiques Roadshow in 2006 and a year later sold at auction for a whopping £48,500. That's a lot of candles.

But I always thought Barker (who wrote it) could have done more with it if he'd perhaps let it gestate in his wonderfully creative brain for a bit longer. It's been gestating in mine for about a year now, and I've been pondering what other homophonic opportunities might have presented themselves in Corbett's hardware and general store. 

I've come up with a few, but of course it's now too late to send them to either Ronnie, so I humbly share my re-imagined Four Candles script here for you. I have kept the beginning, retained the four candles/fork handles part (because, y'know) but the other verbal confusions are mine, and the ending is very different. Read it with the original scenario and characters in mind, hear the two Ronnies' voices in your head, and enjoy.

Four Candles

Re-imagined by Mike Bodnar

Scene: Interior, hardware store, but selling all kinds of goods.

A woman gathers up a pack of toilet rolls from the counter, turns and leaves. Ronnie Corbett is the shopkeeper.

RC: Mind how you go.

Ronnie Barker enters the shop with a list of items he needs and goes to the counter.

RC: Good morning, how can I help?

RB: (Consults list) I want to purchase...

RC: (Waits for more but sees it isn't coming) Yeah, want to purchase what? We've got all sorts in 'ere...

RB: I want to purchase

RC Yeah, I know, you're the customer and I'm the shopkeeper. You want to purchase what?

RB: I want two perches!

RC: Ahhh, I see! Two perches! Well I'm sorry, we don't sell fish. You'll have to go to a pet shop for that.

RB: No! Two perches, for me birds to sit on, in their cage.

RC: Ohhh I see now, two perches. Right. (Reaches under counter and places two perches on the counter top) There you are, two perches.

RB: (Looks at them incredulously) Twelve inches?

RC: Well, together yes. They're six inches each, so two makes twelve inches.

RB: Nah, twelve inches? Won't work!

RC: What? (Exasperated now) Two times six is twelve.

RB: You're not listenin'. I've got twelve finches, twelve birds, they'll never fit on there!

RC: (Looks unimpressed) Twelve finches. Well why didn't you say? (Reaches under counter and brings out two more perches). There, that should do it. What else?

RB: (Consults list) Er, four candles.

RC: (Relieved) Finally, something simple! (Goes to shelf, climbs steps, gets candles and returns). There, four candles.

RB: (Shakes his head). Nah, fork handles. Handles for forks.

RC: (Can't believe what he's hearing). Handles for forks? Handles for forks? (Sighs) How many?

RB: Two.

RC: (Gets two fork handles, places them on the counter)

RB: Some old spray?

RC: Some old...? Why would I sell old spray? All our products are new.

RB: Nah, some mould spray – spray for mould.

RC: You're 'aving me on you are. You're just taking the mickey. (Walks to shelf muttering to himself, returns with mould spray). There, some mould spray. What else?

RB: Er... box o' food.

RC: A box of food. A box of food. Can you be more specific? A box of tomatoes maybe? Box of bananas? You can't just stand there saying 'box of food'!

RB: Nah, boxer food; food for me boxer.

RC: (By now completely exasperated). Then why didn't you just say??!

RB: I did: boxer food.

RC: (Goes and gets tin of dog food, slams it on counter). Now please, tell me something straightforward that I can get you, finish your shopping and get out of my store!

RB: (A bit miffed) Right. Key fob.

RC: Good. Excellent. A key fob. Simple. (Reaches under the counter and slaps a key fob on the counter top). There.

RB: (Looks at it, bewildered) Nah, Key fob, the manager, Mr Hobb. Keith (he pronounces the name 'Keef). Keef 'Obb.

RC: (Looks taken aback, worried) Mr 'Obb? Keef Hobb? What do you want to see him for?

RB: 'Cos I want to complain about your appalling communication skills!

(Audience applause, ends)

The Four Candles Pub, Oxford. Image: Wikiwand

Please share any other homophonic ideas you might have in the comments section! The original sketch is on You Tube here.

For Better or for Worse

I have just been turned down for a job. Again. It's something I've got used to now, especially at my age. I'm too old, too white, and too male.

Am I grumpy? You betcha, but there's not much point in teeth-gnashing - my teeth are bad enough as it is. 

Unlike the Olympics where each event has three winners - Gold, Silver and Bronze for first, second and third respectively - when there's a job vacancy there is only one winner. Everyone else is a complete and utter down-and-out loser, including those so close to the finishing line on the shortlist who fail to get the job.

The role I went for was with the BBC as a staff comedy writer. And before you say, 'Well, you were never going to get that; that's way too ambitious', what you don't know is that I also recently applied for a vacancy as a cleaner. I didn't get that either. (And no, that wasn't for the BBC), so I am unemployable at either end of the scale.

I was actually holding out a slim hope for the BBC role as I ticked all the boxes in the job description and requirements. So, I duly went online and filled in the application template. I dislike application templates because they tend to be restrictive in how you can present yourself to best effect; they're more akin to multiple-choice exam questions as opposed to, say, having to write an essay on something. But I gave it my best shot, and I was delighted to see that the application also required me to demonstrate some creativity.

In one of the template windows they asked me to write a 500-word speech for the best man or matron of honour at a wedding where the couple should definitely not be marrying each other. Perhaps I failed to get the job because my speech came to 499 words.

In reality, the polite but-nonetheless-infuriating BBC rejection email said that because I didn't already have two broadcast comedy writing credits to my name I was discounted. And yet, as I highlighted in my application, I have written comedy - for the Stand-Up and be Counted show I initiated and produced through Radio New Zealand in 2009 (when I was not only producer but also the show's host), and multiple times for my own comedy gigs, either solo or with other Kiwi comics. But that doesn't count. Could it be because it wasn't for the BBC?

To make me feel better they told me they'd had over 800 applicants. I don't care about that, but obviously one of those has already written for TV and so is 'established'. It's the old vicious cycle thing again: you can't have the job unless you've had the job.

Anyway, I did like it that the Beeb actually wanted to see some evidence of comedy writing - it makes a change from just having to fill in your school grades (at my age for God's sake! What possible relevance do they have??). But rather than the wedding speech ending up in Auntie's 'Deleted' box, I present it to you here and now, all 499 words of it. You never know, you might find a use for it :-)

The Wedding Speech

Image courtesy of 
SnappyGoat.com

In a moment I will be asking you to raise your glasses, those of you who are wearing them, so that you'll better be able to see our celebrated couple, Professor Sir Ahmed Al Abdin-Amdad... and Charlene – or Chazza as she likes to be known – in soft focus.

Why? Because – in the photography sense – soft focus enhances, filters, and – as any big screen star knows – hides blemishes.

And it's the blemishes of course that Chazza and Ahmed know very well. It's the flaws, the many imperfections that they have accepted in each other, as today they not only tie the knot but soak it in vinegar so that it may never, ever, ever be undone.

For theirs is a union unique. And when I say union, it is because I turned, as all good best men do, to the dictionary to be assured I have chosen my words correctly.

A union, we are told, is a joining, a coupling. But in an engineering sense it also refers to a particular type of bolt usually found on carburettors, which allows the flow of fuel from one place to another. Yes, I can hear some of you understandably sniggering, but let's not forget that fuel mishandled can be a dangerous thing.

And so it seems appropriate at this stage for me just to point out the fire exits: there's one behind you and a second at the end of the corridor just past the gents' toilets – should any conflagration break out.

But for Chazza and Ahmed there are only the flames of passion. Blind to any alarm bells
clamouring and ringing, they smell not the thick black acrid smoke creeping under their door.

Not for them the mad dash down the back stairs to safety, oh no. Together they are their own breathing apparatus, and we can only hope that their air supply doesn't run out.

Instead, ensconced within their asbestos-like envelope of love, singeing though it is as the flames lick all around, they are ignorant of the desperate cries of the people outside shouting 'Fire, fire! Get out now!

Or is it that we can never see things from their point of view? That we, on the outside of their exclusive Freemason-like members-only club, can never know the secret handshakes and passwords, or feel the security that these two share that makes them bulletproof, and of course fireproof.

Image from Pixnio

Perhaps if they were to stare with us into the crackling flames, they too might question the incorrect application of flammable materials, the illegally propped-open fire doors, and the dangling broken bulbs of emergency lighting.

Oh yes, the familiar green exit signs have been there since the beginning for all to see, but as we well know, familiarity breeds contempt, and Ahmed and Chazza have been very, very familiar.

And today, as we all witnessed, they became as one, and agreed that it would be for better or for worse.

Please raise your glasses to our extinguished couple, Chazza and Ahmed!

The Horrors of Halloween

This year Halloween falls on a Saturday, which means the real horrors of Halloween are even more frightening...

Image: © Mike Bodnar

Let me get one thing clear: I've always disliked Halloween. Not because I'm a curmudgeonly old bloke who loathes the concept of little children knocking on my door (I am), or because the whole thing has been commercialised beyond belief (it has), but because Halloween is just an excuse for pretend horror, and grisly ghoulish get-ups that have little to do with the Celtic origins of the festival. 

It has become an annual event in the same vein (see what I did there?) as Black Friday sales, Boxing Day sales and Amazon Prime Day. The sound of Halloween is not a blood-curdling scream or the howl of a werewolf - it is the ring of cash registers. 

Last year, research showed that Americans planned to spend US$8.8 billion on Halloween-related products and activities. Ka-ching! 

But the other sound of Halloween is the mournful wailing of ambulance sirens.

Eight billion US dollars. No wonder they're grinning. Image: Mike Bodnar

That's because Halloween activities have become synonymous with horror-filled statistics, with real-life incidents involving genuine blood, and genuine fear. And - sadly - actual death. And this year, with a plague on the loose, it has the potential to spread DREAD AND FEAR as never before (cue the Vincent Price laughing-track from Thriller).

No but seriously. Each year around Halloween the number of casualties in hospital departments rises - here in the UK, in the United States, and likely in other countries where All-Hallows Eve is 'celebrated'. 

Fireworks add to the risk in the UK/ Image: Mike Bodnar

Hand injuries sustained while carving pumpkins into grimacing toothy lanterns are common, while eye injuries caused either by chemical spillages from broken glow sticks or inappropriate use of ghoulish contact lenses all see medical centres busier than usual.

In Britain things are not helped by the fact that Halloween occurs less than a week before Guy Fawkes - bonfire night - so there's also an increase in firework-related burns and injuries.

In New Zealand the government's Accident Compensation Corporation - which pays wholly or partly for accidents (and subsequent rehabilitation) sustained within NZ - last year researched through six years' worth of Halloweens and found 136 related injuries. 

Not much compared with some other countries perhaps, but then the population is only around five million. The claims showed that they included the following words: 

Always cut pumpkins away from you!
Image: Supplied




• trick or treat
• prank
• creep
• pumpkin / carving
• dress up / costume
• lantern
• lollies / candies
• casket
• cemetery
• Halloween
• ghost / ghoul
• scare / fright
• haunted
• werewolf.

The most frequent injury type was ‘soft tissue’ (pumpkin carvers, I'm lookin' at you) but personally I'd just like to know who the 'creep' was.

Disturbingly - and this comes from the US but likely applies in other places - more children are injured or killed by cars on Halloween, due to trick-or-treating out after dark. Analysts say it's not always the fault of the drivers either, as Halloween masks can inhibit a child's vision when crossing roads, so they might not see a vehicle approaching. 

It's even worse when Halloween falls on a Saturday because there's a higher number of alcohol-affected drivers on the roads. 

SATURDAY HORRORS

Research in the US suggests that it's not just drunk drivers who are to blame; in 2015 - the last time the Day of Dread fell on a Saturday - Dr Sarah Denny, a physician at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Ohio, noted that when Halloween falls on a Saturday parents at home relaxing after their working week can consume more alcohol, and have a correspondingly more relaxed attitude to their children's activities. Which means that an extra number of kids might be unsupervised, allowed to stay out later, roam further and, well, you know the dangers.

She also notes that the kids themselves are less vigilant: 'A lot of it is the excitement of what's going on and people are less careful."

Stay safe! Image: Mike Bodnar

The bad news is that this year Halloween falls on a Saturday again. 

The good news - ironically given that October 31 is a day of zombies and fear - is that with Covid-19 present in society (and a UK government edict that outdoor Halloween activities are to be banned in lockdown areas) there will be fewer children trick-or-treating, and depending on local lockdown restrictions, maybe fewer drivers on the roads too. 

Despite the fact that we have the genuine horror of an actual pandemic to cope with, virologist Dr Chris Smith from the University of Cambridge is optimistic, and says that it is still possible to enjoy Halloween safely providing we take certain measures.

In a recent BBC report he said, 'Because it's Halloween I'd say people are quite likely to be wearing a mask anyway so if they can make a face covering work it's [sic] way into their costume then even better.' 

Wrapped sweets: recommended. Image: Mike Bodnar

Dr Smith advised that trick-or-treaters should avoid visiting elderly or vulnerable neighbours and should consider prearranging visits with householders who are comfortable with them knocking on their doors. 

The virologist warned that the nature of the tricks should also be thought through, as any that involve entering a property or close contact could increase the risk of Covid transmission. 

He had further advice regarding treats, saying that handing out unwrapped sweets ('candy' for our American cousins) or offering them in a bowl where multiple children can delve their hands in isn't recommended, and that wrapped sweets are preferable. Better still, he advises (grumpy) people like me just to hang a bag of wrapped sweets outside so the little blighters can help themselves (grumpy is my inclusion, not his).

Personally, because I'm curmudgeonly and old, I'd be delighted if the government just banned Halloween outdoor activities nationwide this year so I won't have to suffer kids knocking on our door trick-or-treating. But on a more practical level I will be happy to see a drop in accident statistics as a result of more people staying home, enabling medical centre staff to concentrate on a more normal workload.

That doesn't mean I'll be totally safe of course - the real of horror of this Halloween is that October 31 is my wife's birthday, and I haven't got her anything yet!

Further:

NHS advice for a safer Halloween and Bonfire Night

The Metro guide to this year's Halloween

If you think this article is worth sharing please do, plus I always welcome comments :-)

Pictures in an Exhibition

Just for a change I thought I'd post some of my favourite photos taken over the last few years. 

To be clear, I'm not a photographer, just an amateur interested in snapping occasionally, so I hope you'll forgive any breach of photographic etiquette in these images. I do try and compose pics when opportunity allows - rule of thirds and all that - and I unashamedly crop and enhance for best effect in post-production where necessary; I believe that apps such as Snapseed and Photoshop are there to be used, so why not? These are in no particular order, just randomly thrown together. Anyway, enjoy. 

Windows, Chester, England. Our eye is drawn through the ancient stone work in the foreground by the arches behind and on into the foliage. I liked the greens and browns too.
  

Fence, Chevrière, France. Some days the light just isn't right for photography, so instead of just the landscape I chose to have some fence and flora in the foreground. I enhanced the structure slightly in Snapseed too to give it more depth and drama. 

My home town of Liverpool, England. Taken from the Mersey ferry. Again the light was dull with little contrast so I enhanced the structure of the image. It's still a bit flat but I'm pleased with the overall panorama of the waterfront. 

The Atomium, Brussels. Sod's law that the day I was there the sky was grey. I did take some wide shots of this iconic 1950s structure, but I prefer this tighter shot which I think emphasises the stunning architecture and construction - and draws your attention away from the weather! 

Fiddler's Ferry yacht marina, Merseyside, England. 

Finally some light! And sometimes, when you've got light you don't need anything else.

Here's one from Wellington, New Zealand. 

This 'fern ball' dangles mid-air behind the central library. I shot this through some foliage and stone sculptures to frame the ball itself, which also hid the wires that support it, making it seem to float in mid-air. 

Meanwhile, in the USA... This is a pic of the Grand Canyon taken in 2012. Everyone else there was taking photos of the sunlight playing on the canyon walls, including my mate Shaun. I suggested to him that taking one almost directly into the sun would be a better shot so he handed me his camera and said, 'You take it then'. I did, and these are the mystical layers that resulted. He now claims ownership of the image!!

I also turned it into a poster, which I occasionally do with images that I feel bear some extra exposure...

Such as this 2011 one of Fox Glacier on the west coast of New Zealand's South Island. 

I was almost lying on my stomach to get the reflection in the glacial pool but it was worth it. I think so anyway! 

And sometimes you really have to try hard to compose a picture so that modern life doesn't intervene and spoil it. Before Game of Thrones there was Cruas, on the Rhône in France, a medieval town extremely well-preserved and just begging to be photographed. However, it is bordered by a nuclear power plant to one side, a modern town in front, and a quarry on the other side, so getting this shot involved traipsing around until I could get a view that could have been taken 500 years ago. 

I know, I could have just cropped it, but well...

Meanwhile, in a park in England a few 

autumns ago... this squirrel looks like it's 

ready for a fight, with fists curled in anticipation!

(And yes, I added a vignette so that attention is drawn fully to the subject)

Here's one taken just in the next county, but back in December 1972. Shot on 35mm slide film, I was taken by the trees framing the sunset and wanted to capture the moment. Recently I converted the slide to digital format and discovered it wasn't as good as I'd remembered. I've done what I can in Photoshop but it remains more of a notion than an achievement. 

Unless you believe in heaven maybe!

And now for something completely different: some sand forms. Taken on one day at Otaki Beach in New Zealand, I couldn't stop snapping at the way the wind, waves and wildlife had sculpted the sand. 

I realised later that I'd created a series, so I collated the images into a format which leant itself to hanging on the wall. 

Surprisingly, these aren't black and white images, they are actually in colour - it's just that the sand is a sort of monochrome. 

The feather 'wave' at the top is my favourite, just because it really does look like one of those gigantic waves that surfers from all over the world travel to Portugal to ride.

But also I like that all these images came from within just a few metres of each other - the variety of opportunities on the beach that day was amazing.

As we all know, some photos are circumstantial, and often turn out to be more interesting for it. Candid photography is one of my favourites. Sadly, today you're likely to be accosted for being a pervert if you try and take pictures of people without their knowledge, even in what's legally a public space. But anyway, back in 2005 I happened to be in a small pub in Ireland. A few of the locals were so riveted on the TV behind the bar they didn't even see me, but I like the outcome. I just call this 'Watching the Game'.

Occasionally I like to get up close and personal with a macro lens. 

This is a koru - an emerging fern frond - often used as a symbol of New Zealand, which is why I took it.

I like the depth of field; there is nothing to distract from the emergence of new growth and life.

While this wee chap obligingly posed for his photoshoot on a canal-side flower in France in 2013...

...along with his friend the praying mantis, who obviously objected to having his likeness taken.

But if we're going to talk about personal, take a look at this monochrome study. 

Zara was a life-drawing model and happy to indulge my whim for what I hoped would be a stark outline photo. It didn't work because I had too much reflected light on the subject, but it works in a different way I think. Moody, erotic, yet tasteful.

Returning outside, and here we are back in France. This is one of my favourite most recent images, taken just last week in the city of Troyes. I like it because of the subdued lighting, and the way everything - the lamps, the curve of the buildings, the tables - leads the eye towards the mid-lower right of frame where the alley curves away into mystery, guarded only by a young man in a Covid mask checking his mobile.

I took this with my Nikon D50 - an oldie but a goodie. With no tripod I had to lean the camera against a convenient drainpipe to keep it steady.

Poignantly I think it captures the age of the virus. Normally an alley such as this would be bustling, with people sitting outside its restaurants and bars enjoying themselves, but France is taking Covid very seriously, and it looks like people are staying at home.

People can make or break an image, and I think the lack of them in the one above is testimony to that. 

But this next one works (IMHO) because the crowds have suddenly parted on what would normally be an extremely busy central Liverpool street to give me a perfect view of this street performer, seemingly sitting on nothing at all.

The image is helped enormously by the position of the sun which, with the performer's shadow, emphasises that he's 'sitting' there with no visible means of support. It makes me smile.

As does this one from Innsbruck in Austria. 

I love the way the bike has become almost fluid; drunk and unable to support itself it leans against its companion.

In a way, because there is nothing in the image other than bikes, it becomes almost anthropomorphic. 

Or maybe I'm the one that's had too much to drink!

My in-laws used to live in a lovely rural area just outside the village of Chatte in France, in the Rhône-Alpes region. Adjacent to their main house was an old barn, and one day as the sun was fairly low in the sky I went with my camera to investigate it.

I liked the way the light streamed inside (illuminating an old and unfinished kit car at the rear that my father-in-law had started many years previously), but I liked even more the view from inside looking out. The wagon's wheel dominates the image but our eye is drawn to the sunlight top left, while the shadows within the barn form their own vignette. I can still hear the lazy buzz of insects, and feel the warmth of the sun.

I know I said these images were random, so forgive me if we suddenly dash back to Liverpool, England.

It's a city built on its shipping and commerce (and yes, it has to be acknowledged, slave trading) but fell onto hard times in the 70s and 80s. Today its status as a major port is recovering, although its status as a tourist destination is perhaps more significant.

Down at the restored and imposing Albert Dock area one day, I snapped some images of a tall ship moored there, with the famous Liver Buildings in the background. I was aiming to capture Liverpool's early 20th century heritage, when - arguably - it was the most important port in the UK outside of London.

To add to the legacy feel I rendered it in monochrome.

(Legend has it that the two Liver Birds atop the building serve a purpose; the one in the picture facing the sea is looking for returning sailors, while the one on the other side looking inland is checking to see if the pubs are open!)

While in Merseyside, I took a photo of the industrial area of Rock Ferry, just because it is evocative of contemporary concerns about climate change etc. This image is heavily cropped and enhanced to emphasise the industry - in the original there was far more river in the foreground and the 'dark satanic mills' were in the distance.

As a gritty panorama it sends more of a message, and perhaps justifies today's options of filters and image manipulation. Or not - you can decide.

Finally, some arty and atmospheric shots, and at least one to make you go 'Awww'! 

The first is this spiral staircase from somewhere in Europe - I can't actually remember where - but I was taken by the hypnotic shell-like geometry.

Then there's this one, also a staircase, this time from one of the towers of Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris (before the fire). 

Although slightly blurred, it captures the motion of our kids running down the steps, and it's the movement - and colour - that appeals to me.

Speaking of spirals, here's a shell on Ruakaka Beach, New Zealand, on a gorgeously calm late afternoon. 

I turned this into a canvas print which now hangs in our ensuite, complementing the colours of the décor.

This was another occasion when I found myself almost flat on my stomach to get the shot. I sometimes think that a prerequisite to being a photographer is to have a qualification in yoga!

What are we looking at here? The inside of the Large Hadron Collider? A journey through time and space? 

Nope, we're looking up through the transparent ceiling of a lift (elevator) in Brussels...

And finally, from this spring time, well, I don't need to say anything to explain do I?

Thanks for viewing. Feel free to share if you enjoyed the exhibition :-)

Cheers,

Mike