78 Days Later

Okay I’ll admit it: I’m a fan of the apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic movie genres. But there’s a certain irony in the fact that movie directors seeking to portray deserted cities – streets empty of humans and vehicles, silence where there was once noise, emptiness where bustle used to be – now have perfect film sets in nearly every city in the UK, except of course all shooting is on hold due to Covid-19.

No zombies, yet

Movies such as 28 Days Later and their like often have to shoot such scenes at 4.30 in the morning in summer when there’s enough daylight for filming but hardly any traffic or people. The window of opportunity is a narrow one. Alternatively they arrange for roads to be closed (in 28 Days Later they even organised traffic police to arrange a ‘rolling stop’ on the M1 in both directions so they could shoot a lone taxi driving north without having to overtake anything but its own shadow).

But it’s the main news bulletins rather than the big screens now showing deserted streets (or not, in the case of those defying health advice and still congregating), empty stations and trains, and closed pubs and restaurants, and disturbingly of course these scenes are real.

Usually standing-room only

You can be sure though there are already documentary makers out there, recording the empty roads for later use in the look-backs and investigations into how Coronavirus affected the population and how the government handled it. News footage too will be used for illustration, and there’s certainly no shortage of that - the media is having a field day. Come January 11 next year – one year exactly after the first Covid-19 death was recorded in China – our screens will be infected with Coronavirus documentaries.

So here’s a thing: why not make your own doco? This coming Friday it will be 78 days after that initial Covid-19 death, and although it’s an artifice, 78 Days Later seems as good a time as any to begin recording what you and your family is doing in these uncertain and unprecedented times. Think of it as a sort of war diary, only without the conflict (yet).

There have of course already been wartime memes – cartoons showing children asking

Image: Wikimedia Commons

their father ‘what he did in the virus’ and referring to his stockpile of loo paper etc. – but the analogy with World War 2 is a genuine one. Liz and I decided on Saturday to walk to our local butcher and show our support, only to find a queue of around 20 people outside. The only thing missing was the ration books, but hey, early days.

As you know, supermarkets and other retails stores are already rationing the amounts people can buy as a response to greedy hoarders stripping the shelves of everything. Social media is now awash with ideas for how to manage self-isolation, what to cook, how to make do and mend. Colleagues of Liz’s who luckily have some land available have just bought hens for their egg-laying.

Supermarket and local shop rationing

All of these are genuine stories, responses to adversity, but never has society had so many options at its fingertips for recording such a particular moment in history. Whether it’s a phone camera, tablet, a camcorder, a sports GoPro, or even a humble tape recorder (and let’s not forget the written word too), this unique time begs to be filmed, noted, captured and retold again and again. And in this technologically-advanced age, anyone and everyone can do it.

So don’t wait for the professionals to bring out their productions 378 days later. Be part of it yourself, now. Tell your story and share it. We are ordinary people living through extraordinary times. This is history in the making.

How to Conduct an Interview

It may be that rather than simply record your own version of events, you want to capture the feelings and experiences of those around you (maintaining appropriate social distancing of course). In this scenario you might find yourself doing an interview, either face to face or, more safely, over the phone or a video link.

Having formerly worked in broadcasting for many years I know there are many ways to conduct an interview but I’m going to touch on just two; one is a favourite of mine which I simply call The Conversation, and the second is a more established method. Either will give your recording that professional edge.

The Conversation Interview

In order to elicit the information and emotions of whoever you’re interviewing, you need, in principle, only one formal question, and that’s the first one. In fact it’s not so much a question as a request, and in this case it is: ‘Tell me about how the Coronavirus is affecting you and those around you…’

This is deliberately open-ended designed to allow the interviewee to answer as they see fit. What you need to do is actively listen to their answers so that you can follow up accordingly just as you would in a normal conversation. For example, if they say something like, ‘The virus has completely changed everything in my life’ and then they stop, you need to ask ‘How?’, and let them continue.

Also, there’s nothing wrong with expressing your own reactions to what your interviewee says. If for example they reveal something surprising, it’s perfectly fine to respond with ‘Really?’ or ‘Wow’, but use these sparingly. As an interviewer your job is to draw out the story rather than be part of it, unless you’re recording yourself in a memoir scenario.

Your keyword friends in the conversation interview are the journalist’s staple: who, where, why, what, when, and how. These form the basis of all news stories. They also form the basis for the more conventional interview…

The Conventional Interview

In this scenario you prepare a list of questions that you know you want specific answers to, and which ensure you cover the topic both broadly as well as in detail.

So, applying these in an interview situation means asking such things as:

• Who among your family and friends were affected?
• How did it affect them?
• Where were they at the time?
• Why did it have such a big impact?
• What did you/they do?
• When did you realise that this was really serious?

…and so on. Obviously you can also use the ‘Tell me about…’ lead.

But the main thing is that you still have to actively listen to the answers and follow up on them, especially where they take you by surprise. Don’t become a slave to the list of questions you prepared. Ultimately you represent the people who are watching or listening to your interview, so be aware of your own emotions and respond accordingly.

That's it in a nutshell. Here are a couple of tips too:

Top Tip 1: Avoid asking too many closed-ended questions such as, ‘Was that terrifying?’ because it begs just a short answer. If all they say is ‘Yes’, then you are duty-bound to follow it up with, ‘How?’, so it’s better to give them a bigger canvas to work with and use a question framed as, ‘Many people must have found the situation terrifying; how was it for you?’

Top Tip 2: Avoid grunting, saying ‘uh-huh’, and verbalising your agreement or encouragement as it can be really distracting for the listener or viewer, especially if it’s a video situation and you’re off-camera. If you need to encourage your interviewee, use facial signals and body language: nod your head in encouragement, smile as appropriate, raise your eyebrows, shake your head in disbelief - all of these are silent yet effective means of encouraging your subject.

Good luck, and don't forget to share your stories!

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Working From Home

The isolated BoJo

Britain's Prime Minister has said that I now have to stay at home for a couple of weeks. Not personally of course; Boris didn't call me up and say, 'Mike, BoJo here. Just wanted you to know that with Coronavirus now driving my policies even more than Dominic, it might actually be a good idea for you not to go to the pub. I mean, quite so often. Or preferably not at all. Also, stay away from restaurants and theatres etc. Cheerio!'

But I got the message, along with everyone else, that it's best to do a bit of that isolation thing, to help flatten the curve and so forth. On the back of Boris's announcement, my wife Liz has been told by her employers to work from home (or WFH as the acronym has it). 'WTF, WFH?' she exclaimed just yesterday when she got the directive. 'OMG!' she said, punching the air. She's trendy with her acronym usage, possibly due to FOMO.

Isolation essentials

FYI she's just come back from an 0630 trip to the supermarket to buy supplies for us - Burgundy, Chardonnay, Riesling, that sort of thing - and said that even at that ridiculously early hour Tesco was 'like a Saturday afternoon', so obviously everyone else is in survival mode and preparing for a fortnight of staying home. (Brings a whole new definition to the term Remainers, she noted)

But I can tell you now that I didn't punch the air - I just felt like punching Boris because I'm at home 99 percent of the time anyway, so I was already flattening the Covid-19 curve without even trying. And I've been wearing face masks, but that's because I spend most of my time doing home renovation stuff that involves lots of dust and chaos. (In fact we even developed a crest with the Latin motto for that: Pulvis et Inordinatio). In short, I deserve a mention in the Queen's Birthday Honours for services to public health. Mike Bodnar, D.I.Y., O.B.E.

So to be at home for two weeks is, for me, something of a busman's holiday (Millennials, just Google it) and my daily routines of measuring, sawing, sanding and painting will remain unchanged. I'm not sure whether my need for another box of 5x50 general purpose-type brass screws will qualify as 'essential' and enable me to travel to the hardware store but we'll see. And if I am allowed to go out at least I have a good supply of face masks, hairnet-type head covers, safety goggles and rubber gloves, so I can look like something out of The Andromeda Strain without trying.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

But Liz has come up with an idea that legitimately allows us out for 'essential travel': across the way from us is a row of houses in which almost every occupant is in the vulnerable category due to age and/ or medical conditions, so we're going to do a leaflet drop and offer to do their grocery shopping for them if they'd like. Of course they could choose to shop online and have everything delivered, but they might actually prefer a neighbour's help. As Liz pointed out, while Brexit divided the nation, it could be that Coronavirus brings it back together, united in adversity as it were. A bit like the Second World War and the Dig for Victory campaign, only more like Digging In for Victory.

The fact that while we're out doing shopping for our local vulnerables and that one of them might - just possibly, almost by accident - need some Chardonnay and a box of 5x50 brass screws is of course pure coincidence. Honestly officer.


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In Lieu of Toilet Paper

It’s a little-known fact that Coronavirus isn’t just a respiratory disease, it also apparently causes madness. The symptoms are panic, increased pulse rate, a raging need to hoard and stockpile, and – in the event that the latter looks unlikely– a tendency towards violence.

This was evident from outbreaks of supermarket mayhem recently in which some customers, in fear of a government lock-down or the overall collapse of society as a result of Covid-19, have fought over stock on the shelves, in particular toilet paper.

Not worth fighting over

Yes, in the event of Coronavirus what we all obviously need is copious supplies of bog rolls so that when we really are on death’s door we can be smug in the knowledge that we can at least go to the loo in comfort and assurance.

In Australia, one of the least-affected countries so far, two Coronavirus-panicked women came to blows over toilet paper in a supermarket aisle and police had to be called. Video of the fight went viral on social media.

The incident, in New South Wales, led state police acting-inspector Andrew New to comment, ‘We just ask that people don't panic like this when they go out shopping. There is no need for it. It's not the Thunderdome, it's not Mad Max, we don't need to do that.’ Crikey, 'streuth mate.

The women were charged for fighting over the loo rolls, which presumably wiped any smiles off their faces.

Anyway, if indeed things do get a bit Mad Maxish and there are riots in supermarkets over toilet tissue, we’ll need to find some alternatives. The obvious ones are ordinary tissues like Kleenex and kitchen paper roll, but of course the savvy will have thought of this already. Soon there’ll be fights in the stationery aisles over reams of A4 paper, envelopes, and gift-wrap.

And of course now that I’ve suggested those practical alternatives it means there will likely be fights in any aisle selling anything remotely to do with paper, so it falls to me to introduce you to nature’s answer to toilet tissue: plants. Or to be precise, leaves.

Dock leaves, nature's loo paper
(Image: Wikimedia Commons)

I know I’m not the first person to realise this; hardened outdoor-types and of course post-apocalyptic preppers already know which foliage offer the best bum wiping alternatives, but I doubt such knowledge is widespread among the urban community. So I’ve done some quick research on your behalf, and present you here with a few top tips.

Firstly – and this seems (literally) painfully obvious – not all leaves are suitable for wiping yourself with. One website helpfully suggests avoiding plants with ‘irritable hairs, spikes or thorns’, and to use fresh green leaves rather than dried vegetation which might tear or disintegrate. Nettles are a no-no too.

So that’s what to avoid, but what features should we be looking for when browsing nature’s supermarket aisles, also known as hedgerows and forest paths? Well you don’t need to be a genius to work that one out; look for large leaves with a degree of thickness and resilience that won’t easily tear, and also leaves with fuzzy surfaces, or maybe smooth. It’s worth knowing that the underneath of some leaves can be fuzzier than the tops.

Here in the UK, the ubiquitous dock leaf is the hiker’s friend. But there are plenty of others, which vary in abundance depending what part of the world you live in but which share the feature of large leaves including: Big-leaf Magnolia, Mullein (sometimes called the Lumberjack’s or Cowboy’s Toilet paper), Broadleaf Plantain, Lamb’s Ear, and of course the humble moss. One website recommends using dried corn cobs. Take a look in your own garden or park and you’ll likely find some other options.

The Sun: Getting to
the Bottom of Things

But let’s not forget that the Romans used sponges which could be rinsed out after use. (History suggests these were often attached to the end of a stick and shared between soldiers in the latrines. When passed from one to another it was important to grab the correct end, hence the phrase ‘grabbing hold of the wrong end of the stick'!).

In the event that all the paper and plant options have either run out or prove too tricky to get, don’t forget that washcloths can be used and rinsed, as can cloth nappies, towels and even old T-shirts. Maybe not pleasant but as any parent who has used cloth nappies will tell you, a bucket of bleach works wonders.

Oh, and if all else fails, let’s not forget the humble newspaper; The Sun, Daily Mail and other tabloids will not only efficiently wipe your cares away, they will also give you immense satisfaction knowing that these papers have finally found their niche.

Bare-Faced Cheek

Image: Wikimeida Commons

Spring is here, which means summer’s not far behind, which means I can look forward to long hot summer days and getting my kit off to lie starkers in the garden.

Or not; I’m not sure the neighbourhood is ready to cock an eye at me like that yet, or even the other way round. Neighbours, you can relax. I shall remain what is prudishly called ‘decent’. Unless you’re a naturist of course, in which case going naked is still seen as ‘decent’, which upsets some people.

The people I refer to are those who prefer to keep their clothes on, or at least their naughty bits covered up at all times, even in the remotest of locations and on the hottest of days. They seem to take offence at the overall concept of nudism, especially when it’s part of a public display, such as a recent planned mid-winter indoor swim at a Blackpool water venue.

To reveal all, (or rather, to be fair) it wasn’t a public display inasmuch as it was a strictly-controlled private event; the protesters’ concerns were that it involved family nudism, that children would be involved and that ‘non-members’ (oh stop it!) would be allowed to join in. A protest organiser was reported as saying it was, 'a massive safeguarding issue', with ‘…children being naked around adults neither their parents or themselves know' ‘

The event was organised by British Naturism – a 50-plus year-old organisation, so with a few expected wrinkles – which defended the event as being one they’d run successfully for over 10 years. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, ‘…if there were any problems associated with it then it would have been discontinued years ago.’

He added encouragingly that British Naturism had developed a ‘robust child and vulnerable adults safeguarding policy’, developed in conjunction with the NSPCC and reviewed annually. (So robust children would presumably be okay then)

Image: Wikimeida Commons

Anyway that’s the background, and the event gained some column inches in the media as a result. What worried me more than that was the revelation that in the nudiverse, those who wear clothes are referred to as ‘textiles’, which the British Naturism spokesperson admitted he wasn’t particularly happy with and emphasised that it tended to be used in situations of conflict rather than as a general term of reference.

Perhaps more disturbing was the revelation that British Naturism wants anti-naturist abuse classed as a ‘hate crime’.

The spokesperson went on to say, “These days, we all agree that shouting abuse at somebody because of the colour of their skin, their sexual preference or their religion is not acceptable… yet naturists still receive that type of abuse based on their dress code.”

Seriously? Undress code surely. But actual abuse? Well, maybe. It brings up the old chestnut of offence being taken when it’s not deliberately given (Ref. Gammon v Snowflake et al). Naturists enjoy the opportunity to shed their clothing and enjoy the outdoors and sunshine (or in the case of the recent event an indoor private venue) ostensibly for health purposes and the social equality that going sans clothes enables. Nobody can judge you by your attire if you’re not wearing any.

And I’m sure that 99.9% of naturists do not deliberately aim to cause offence. That the offence is taken by those who are onlookers, or who philosophically disagree with the practice is simply collateral damage. This is especially true where nudity is not seen in law as a criminal offence.

Also, there is almost certainly suspicion on the part of certain textiles that taking your kit off en groupe is likely to be for sexual purposes, whereas I imagine that while those who strip off – for example for a mid-winter nude plunge – are more likely to be stark raving bonkers rather than people who are bonk-raving and starkers.

Offended? Look the other way...

I personally relish an opportunity to swim naked, though the mercury has to be in the mid- to high-20s and the sea warmer than that; the feel of warm water that has ‘access all areas’ is a true joy. Likewise, nude sunbathing – it’s a special feeling to have the sun caressing you and a warm gentle breeze to tickle your fancy. But I don’t do either of these in order to give offence; if you’re offended, look the other way.

I guess it’s fair enough that the protesters against this event apparently had the safeguarding and best interests of children at heart, but maybe they should just let the organisation involved get on with their own self-regulation and self-policing and take their naked aggression elsewhere.