What follows is purely a musing on my part.
I have aimed to maintain the 'spirit' of The Goons while
referencing contemporary mores. (I know, dangerous
territory, but then the Goons broke rules back in
the 1950s...)
territory, but then the Goons broke rules back in
the 1950s...)
 |
| Milligan, Sellers and Secombe (Image courtesy of the Goon Show Site) |
Announcer
This is the BBC
FX
Rioting, fighting noises, general mayhem.
Neddie
Coming to you live from the BBC canteen!
Announcer
We’d just like to apologise for the offensive material,
upsetting scenes, tears, chaos and despair this evening…
but that’s what you
get in every night’s news.
Instead, it’s The Goon Show 2020!
Music
Opening theme
FX
Mournful wind
Announcer
We present: The Cellphone Tower of Doom or,
for our
French cousins, The Tour de Farce. We open
on a windswept heath. Clouds
scud across the sky. It is 1652.
Grytpype Thynne
Ah good, almost tea-time.
Announcer
Suddenly a strange figure approaches…
Neddie
Hello folks!
Grytpype Thynne
That’s one of the strangest figures I’ve ever seen.
I say,
you there sir.
Neddie
Me there sir?
GT
Yes you. Who else is there?
Neddie
Well, there could be a whole army behind me!
GT
Given your girth that’s true. I shall walk around
you to
make sure.
Announcer
Two weeks later…
GT
There, I’ve circumnavigated you.
Neddie
What, what, what, what? But I’m not Jewish!
FX
A mobile ring tone of Lady Gaga or similar
GT
What’s that ridiculous noise?
Neddie
It’s my mobile phone, you upper class idiot!
GT
Don’t you use that ring tone with me! Who could
be calling
you out here in the middle of nowhere?
Neddie
Well, let’s see, I’ll just scroll through my contacts. Er,
gee…
gee…
GT
Only 2Gs Neddie? You need a better network than that. Now then,
where were we?
Neddie
What's that? Huawei?
GT
Not so much who are we as who were they. I saw some Chinese technicians checking a new cellphone tower near here.
Neddie
You mean…?
GT
Yes, they were Chinese checkers.
Neddie
And I suspect you sir are working with them, aiming
to take
over the world by spying on everyone and
noting down their most intimate details.
Eccles arrives
He wouldn’t get much from me. I don’t tink I’ve got
any
intimate details!
Neddie
Eccles my man! And I use the term loosely. Why on
earth are
you wearing that tin foil hat?
Eccles
It stops naughty invisible microwave radiation from
entering
my brain and making me stoopid!
GT
It’s not working…
Announcer
Meanwhile, not five miles away. In fact not two miles
away.
In actual fact, quite nearby, the custodians of
the 5G repeater tower are
preparing their weekly report…
Henry
Min…Min… It’s time for our call on the interthingy. Min,
have you taken everything down?
Min (flustered)
Oh Henry, this is no time for naughty shenanigans.
I am
keeping everything on until after our report Henry,
you naughty modern man!
Henry
Oh Min, you... you snowflake! Now climb to the top
of the tower and send me
the readings. Here, take
this talkie-walkie…
Min
Don’t you mean walkie-talkie?
Henry
No, I put the batteries in the wrong way round
FX
A ‘ping’ noise
Min
Oh Henry, you have a text message! What does
it say?
Henry
It says, ‘Someone will knock at the door’
FX
Knocking at door
Henry
Ah, it must have been predictive text!
FX
Door opening
Min
Oh! It’s a woman Henry!
Major Bloodnok
Only on Wednesdays madam. Underneath my
disguise I am in
fact Major Denis Bloodnok, DIY,
MOT, LGBT.
Henry
What about the Q?
Bloodnok
There’s a queue? Then let me be at the
head of it!
Henry
Min, Min, make way for the military gentleman.
Or woman. Major,
what pronoun do you prefer?
Bloodnok
I’m a ‘them’ or a ‘they’, but only partly because of my
size.
Henry
Min, make way for them!
Min
But there’s only one of him…
Henry
Min you Generation XXS woman, are you not
woke to sexual
preferences?
Min
Of course I am Henry; but we’ve no time for that now!
(Min and Henry make saucy noises together)
Bloodnok
Enough of this! I’ll not have any sex on my watch!
Get off
him woman! Now then, I’m here to help defend
this cellphone tower from invasion.
The entire manpower
of the Queen’s Own 14th Fuchsias have the place
surrounded. They’re nervously fingering their pistils
as we speak.
Henry
Min! Cover your ears so that you don’t hear any of
this
floral-type talk!
FX
A knock on the door, it squeaks open
Bluebottle
Bluebottle enters stage left. Waits for applause.
Not a
sausage. Not even a computer-generated
sausage. I have a massage for the Major.
Bloodnok
A massage? You mean a message my little
asylum seeker!
Bluebottle
Am I seeking asylum Major?
Bloodnok
Yes, and there’s one just nearby. I’ll make sure you
are
fast-tracked into it as soon as you’ve delivered
the message. But first, give
me that massage…
FX
Slapping noises, Bloodnok moans in ecstasy.
Bloodnok
I say, I don’t suppose a chap could expect a
happy ending?
Bluebottle
Thinks to himself… but has no idea what he
means. Alright
then! ‘Hip hip, hooray!
FX
Everyone claps.
Bloodnok
Hand me my stockings and dress. Now then,
what’s the
message?
Bluebottle
Your man on the inside is outside with another
man, who he
says is on the inside of the enema.
Bloodnok
You mean enemy!
Bluebottle
All I know is he told me where I should stick
the message in
case I got caught.
You’ll never find it!
Bloodnok
I’m not even going to look. Bring them in!
FX
Door opens, shuffling of feet as Neddie, Grytpype
and Eccles
enter.
Neddie
Ah Major Bloodnok. Neddie Seagoon reporting
sir/madam/other.
I have uncovered the spy who’s
been planning to overthrow the mobile phone
network!
Bloodnok
Excellent work Seagoon. I can see he was astute,
devilishly
clever, a master of disguise too. Alright you
scoundrel, we’ve got the measure
of you!
Eccles
Yup, about five foot two. But you’ve got the
wrong man – and
I use the term loosely.
Grytpype Thynne
Alright all of you. You think you’re all so clever…
Bluebottle
I don’t!
GT
Stay where you are and put your hands up.
On my mobile phone
I have a 16 mega pixel jpeg
of a gun, and I’m prepared to use it!
Neddie
Not so fast! Before we came in I tweeted you
a gif of a
ticking time bomb!
GT
Yes Neddie, I received it and Photoshopped it
into a bucket
of water, thereby rendering it harmless.
Now turn around and face…
FX
Bomb explodes, noises of things falling and crashing
GT
Curses! I thought I’d defused it!
Henry
You did. That was my Min imitating a bomb
through the
talkie-walkie. Min… Min… you can come
down from the tower now. Just mind the
bucket of…
FX
Min falls from the tower, her scream getting louder,
ending
in a large splash.
Bluebottle
She’s fallen in the water!
FX
Theme music.
Announcer
That was The Goon Show 2020, starring the
late Harry
Secombe, Spike Milligan and Peter
Sellers, with material (corduroy mainly) by
Mike Bodnar. Any complaints should be
addressed to someone else. Goodnight.
 |
| Image from Wikipedia |
