The Lost Goon Show Script of 2020

What would a modern-day Goon Show radio script be like? 

What follows is purely a musing on my part. 

I have aimed to maintain the 'spirit' of The Goons while

referencing contemporary mores. (I know, dangerous
territory, but then the Goons broke rules back in
the 1950s...)

Milligan, Sellers and Secombe
(Image courtesy of the Goon Show Site)

Announcer

This is the BBC

FX

Rioting, fighting noises, general mayhem.

Neddie

Coming to you live from the BBC canteen!

Announcer

We’d just like to apologise for the offensive material, 

upsetting scenes, tears, chaos and despair this evening…

but that’s what you get in every night’s news. 

Instead, it’s The Goon Show 2020!

Music

Opening theme

FX

Mournful wind

Announcer

We present: The Cellphone Tower of Doom or, 

for our French cousins, The Tour de Farce. We open 

on a windswept heath. Clouds scud across the sky. It is 1652.

Grytpype Thynne

Ah good, almost tea-time.

Announcer

Suddenly a strange figure approaches…

Neddie

Hello folks!

Grytpype Thynne

That’s one of the strangest figures I’ve ever seen. 

I say, you there sir.

Neddie

Me there sir?

GT

Yes you. Who else is there?

Neddie

Well, there could be a whole army behind me!

GT

Given your girth that’s true. I shall walk around 

you to make sure.

Announcer

Two weeks later…

GT

There, I’ve circumnavigated you.

Neddie

What, what, what, what? But I’m not Jewish!

FX

A mobile ring tone of Lady Gaga or similar

GT

What’s that ridiculous noise?

Neddie

It’s my mobile phone, you upper class idiot!

GT

Don’t you use that ring tone with me! Who could 

be calling you out here in the middle of nowhere?

Neddie

Well, let’s see, I’ll just scroll through my contacts. Er, gee… 

gee…

GT

Only 2Gs Neddie? You need a better network than that. Now then, 

where were we?

Neddie

What's that? Huawei?

GT

Not so much who are we as who were they. I saw some Chinese technicians checking a new cellphone tower near here.

Neddie

You mean…?

GT

Yes, they were Chinese checkers.

Neddie

And I suspect you sir are working with them, aiming 

to take over the world by spying on everyone and 

noting down their most intimate details.

Eccles arrives

He wouldn’t get much from me. I don’t tink I’ve got 

any intimate details!

Neddie

Eccles my man! And I use the term loosely. Why on 

earth are you wearing that tin foil hat?

Eccles

It stops naughty invisible microwave radiation from 

entering my brain and making me stoopid!

GT

It’s not working…

Announcer

Meanwhile, not five miles away. In fact not two miles 

away. In actual fact, quite nearby, the custodians of 

the 5G repeater tower are preparing their weekly report…

Henry

Min…Min… It’s time for our call on the interthingy. Min, 

have you taken everything down?

Min (flustered)

Oh Henry, this is no time for naughty shenanigans. 

I am keeping everything on until after our report Henry, 

you naughty modern man!

Henry

Oh Min, you... you snowflake!  Now climb to the top 

of the tower and send me the readings. Here, take 

this talkie-walkie…

Min

Don’t you mean walkie-talkie?

Henry

No, I put the batteries in the wrong way round

FX

A ‘ping’ noise

Min

Oh Henry, you have a text message! What does 

it say?

Henry

It says, ‘Someone will knock at the door’

FX

Knocking at door

Henry

Ah, it must have been predictive text!

FX

Door opening

Min

Oh! It’s a woman Henry!

Major Bloodnok

Only on Wednesdays madam. Underneath my 

disguise I am in fact Major Denis Bloodnok, DIY, 

MOT, LGBT.

Henry

What about the Q?

Bloodnok

There’s a queue? Then let me be at the 

head of it!

Henry

Min, Min, make way for the military gentleman. 

Or woman. Major, what pronoun do you prefer?

Bloodnok

I’m a ‘them’ or a ‘they’, but only partly because of my size.

Henry

Min, make way for them!

Min

But there’s only one of him…

Henry

Min you Generation XXS woman, are you not 

woke to sexual preferences?

Min

Of course I am Henry; but we’ve no time for that now!

(Min and Henry make saucy noises together)

Bloodnok

Enough of this! I’ll not have any sex on my watch! 

Get off him woman! Now then, I’m here to help defend 

this cellphone tower from invasion. The entire manpower 

of the Queen’s Own 14^th Fuchsias have the place 

surrounded. They’re nervously fingering their pistils 

as we speak.

Henry

Min! Cover your ears so that you don’t hear any of 

this floral-type talk!

FX

A knock on the door, it squeaks open

Bluebottle

Bluebottle enters stage left. Waits for applause. 

Not a sausage. Not even a computer-generated 

sausage. I have a massage for the Major.

Bloodnok

A massage? You mean a message my little 

asylum seeker!

Bluebottle

Am I seeking asylum Major?

Bloodnok

Yes, and there’s one just nearby. I’ll make sure you 

are fast-tracked into it as soon as you’ve delivered 

the message. But first, give me that massage…

FX

Slapping noises, Bloodnok moans in ecstasy.

Bloodnok

I say, I don’t suppose a chap could expect a 

happy ending?

Bluebottle

Thinks to himself… but has no idea what he 

means. Alright then! ‘Hip hip, hooray!

FX

Everyone claps.

Bloodnok

Hand me my stockings and dress. Now then, 

what’s the message?

Bluebottle

Your man on the inside is outside with another 

man, who he says is on the inside of the enema.

Bloodnok

You mean enemy!

Bluebottle

All I know is he told me where I should stick 

the message in case I got caught. 

You’ll never find it!

Bloodnok

I’m not even going to look. Bring them in!

FX

Door opens, shuffling of feet as Neddie, Grytpype 

and Eccles enter.

Neddie

Ah Major Bloodnok. Neddie Seagoon reporting 

sir/madam/other. I have uncovered the spy who’s 

been planning to overthrow the mobile phone network!

Bloodnok

Excellent work Seagoon. I can see he was astute, 

devilishly clever, a master of disguise too. Alright you 

scoundrel, we’ve got the measure of you!

Eccles

Yup, about five foot two. But you’ve got the 

wrong man – and I use the term loosely.

Grytpype Thynne

Alright all of you. You think you’re all so clever…

Bluebottle

I don’t!

GT

Stay where you are and put your hands up. 

On my mobile phone I have a 16 mega pixel jpeg 

of a gun, and I’m prepared to use it!

Neddie

Not so fast! Before we came in I tweeted you 

a gif of a ticking time bomb!

GT

Yes Neddie, I received it and Photoshopped it 

into a bucket of water, thereby rendering it harmless. 

Now turn around and face…

FX

Bomb explodes, noises of things falling and crashing

GT

Curses! I thought I’d defused it!

Henry

You did. That was my Min imitating a bomb 

through the talkie-walkie. Min… Min… you can come 

down from the tower now. Just mind the bucket of…

FX

Min falls from the tower, her scream getting louder, 

ending in a large splash.

Bluebottle

She’s fallen in the water!

FX

Theme music.

Announcer

That was The Goon Show 2020, starring the 

late Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and Peter 

Sellers, with material (corduroy mainly) by 

Mike Bodnar. Any complaints should be

addressed to someone else. Goodnight.

Image from Wikipedia