Four Candles Re-lit

 

Britain's favourite television comedy sketch, Four Candles, dates back to the mid-1970s.

The Four Candles. Image: Daily Mail

The sketch featured on the primetime TV show The Two Ronnies, starring Ronnie
Corbett and Ronnie Barker. It was an immediate hit, tickling the nation's funny bone with the premise of the mis-heard phrase 'four candles' when in fact it was fork handles that Ronnie Barker wanted to buy.

Further homophonic misunderstandings occur during the sketch while Barker tries to buy other items from Corbett, including hose; what Barker wanted was Os - for his house name - as in 'Mon Repose'. It relied on Cockney pronunciation to elevate the confusion, but it was fun to both watch and listen to.

Ronnie Corbett losing patience. Image: stuff.co.nz

However, it had a weak ending - Barker said he was never really happy with it - when Corbett grabs Barker's shopping list in frustration and is horrified at what was to come next. It was a lame visual play on words, and we see Corbett declare that he absolutely wouldn't be providing the last thing on the list. The camera then zooms in on a drawer labelled 'Bill Hooks', and we're to assume Barker would have pronounced it 'bollocks'. (A billhook is a type of forestry or gardening cutting implement)

I agreed with Ronnie B that the ending was weak - it was changed for a 2005 Two Ronnies' Special where Corbett looks at the list and storms out, only to be replaced by a rather well-built young lady who also works in the store and asks, "Right then sir, what kind of knockers are you looking for?" 

I know, we groan now at the dad joke, but it would have appealed to Ronnie Barker who absolutely loved old English seaside postcard humour.

Image: Metro

Over the years I've seen the Four Candles sketch resurface or referred to many times, and it's been voted Britain's favourite TV comedy sketch and the best Two Ronnies' sketch on at least two occasions. The original script surfaced on an episode of Antiques Roadshow in 2006 and a year later sold at auction for a whopping £48,500. That's a lot of candles.

But I always thought Barker (who wrote it) could have done more with it if he'd perhaps let it gestate in his wonderfully creative brain for a bit longer. It's been gestating in mine for about a year now, and I've been pondering what other homophonic opportunities might have presented themselves in Corbett's hardware and general store. 

I've come up with a few, but of course it's now too late to send them to either Ronnie, so I humbly share my re-imagined Four Candles script here for you. I have kept the beginning, retained the four candles/fork handles part (because, y'know) but the other verbal confusions are mine, and the ending is very different. Read it with the original scenario and characters in mind, hear the two Ronnies' voices in your head, and enjoy.

Four Candles

Re-imagined by Mike Bodnar

Scene: Interior, hardware store, but selling all kinds of goods.

A woman gathers up a pack of toilet rolls from the counter, turns and leaves. Ronnie Corbett is the shopkeeper.

RC: Mind how you go.

Ronnie Barker enters the shop with a list of items he needs and goes to the counter.

RC: Good morning, how can I help?

RB: (Consults list) I want to purchase...

RC: (Waits for more but sees it isn't coming) Yeah, want to purchase what? We've got all sorts in 'ere...

RB: I want to purchase

RC Yeah, I know, you're the customer and I'm the shopkeeper. You want to purchase what?

RB: I want two perches!

RC: Ahhh, I see! Two perches! Well I'm sorry, we don't sell fish. You'll have to go to a pet shop for that.

RB: No! Two perches, for me birds to sit on, in their cage.

RC: Ohhh I see now, two perches. Right. (Reaches under counter and places two perches on the counter top) There you are, two perches.

RB: (Looks at them incredulously) Twelve inches?

RC: Well, together yes. They're six inches each, so two makes twelve inches.

RB: Nah, twelve inches? Won't work!

RC: What? (Exasperated now) Two times six is twelve.

RB: You're not listenin'. I've got twelve finches, twelve birds, they'll never fit on there!

RC: (Looks unimpressed) Twelve finches. Well why didn't you say? (Reaches under counter and brings out two more perches). There, that should do it. What else?

RB: (Consults list) Er, four candles.

RC: (Relieved) Finally, something simple! (Goes to shelf, climbs steps, gets candles and returns). There, four candles.

RB: (Shakes his head). Nah, fork handles. Handles for forks.

RC: (Can't believe what he's hearing). Handles for forks? Handles for forks? (Sighs) How many?

RB: Two.

RC: (Gets two fork handles, places them on the counter)

RB: Some old spray?

RC: Some old...? Why would I sell old spray? All our products are new.

RB: Nah, some mould spray – spray for mould.

RC: You're 'aving me on you are. You're just taking the mickey. (Walks to shelf muttering to himself, returns with mould spray). There, some mould spray. What else?

RB: Er... box o' food.

RC: A box of food. A box of food. Can you be more specific? A box of tomatoes maybe? Box of bananas? You can't just stand there saying 'box of food'!

RB: Nah, boxer food; food for me boxer.

RC: (By now completely exasperated). Then why didn't you just say??!

RB: I did: boxer food.

RC: (Goes and gets tin of dog food, slams it on counter). Now please, tell me something straightforward that I can get you, finish your shopping and get out of my store!

RB: (A bit miffed) Right. Key fob.

RC: Good. Excellent. A key fob. Simple. (Reaches under the counter and slaps a key fob on the counter top). There.

RB: (Looks at it, bewildered) Nah, Key fob, the manager, Mr Hobb. Keith (he pronounces the name 'Keef). Keef 'Obb.

RC: (Looks taken aback, worried) Mr 'Obb? Keef Hobb? What do you want to see him for?

RB: 'Cos I want to complain about your appalling communication skills!

(Audience applause, ends)

The Four Candles Pub, Oxford. Image: Wikiwand

Please share any other homophonic ideas you might have in the comments section! The original sketch is on You Tube here.