Rock and a Hard Place

Rich at last! Image: NBC News

I am pleased to announce that I am retiring. This will be my last blog ever, because I am now filthy rich and privileged. So you can all sod off.

Not that I've ever been able to monetise my blogs – they command audiences in the tens, occasionally the low hundreds. 'Wow! We must take out advertising around these!' said no business ever.

No, I am now able to put my feet up in the literal sense – no need to work, to save, to scrounge – because all my financial problems are solved, but it's nothing to do with my blogging.

It's entirely thanks to email acquaintances of mine – very generous acquaintances – who keep showering me with gifts, windfalls, and who insist on putting vast amounts of money in my bank and/or PayPal accounts. I am also a cryptocurrency millionaire (if not billionaire) due to some anonymous but very welcome Bitcoin donors.

It keeps coming too. Today I received £208,450.76p (thank you ONPID:JZ) with a further US$36,984.39 waiting in the wings and which I can access as soon as I confirm my account details. I have also just won an iPhone 11, I'm into the exciting second round of a draw to win a £100 KFC voucher, and I'm a 'possible' winner of a £1000 Primark Gift Card. I can hardly contain myself.

I have inherited China's economy...

My only concern is that my computer is, apparently, infected (which will be fixed as soon as I share my bank details with the correspondent), and I have a 'very-urgent' message (see pic).

This takes the tarnish off my cash windfalls and surprise vouchers somewhat, as I now don't know whether I've just inherited China's economy or not, although looking further down the text I notice a pumpkin emoji, so maybe I have to wait till 31 October to access my windfall from the Ka-Ching Dynasty.

But still. It's good to know that the bastards at New Zealand's Government – and the Inland Revenue Department in particular – who refuse to give me my pension, can now take a hike. In fact, I will soon be able to buy the whole of New Zealand anyway, and one of my first tasks will be to fire everyone in the IRD and eliminate the department altogether.

Why? Because – and this is a cautionary tale for any ex-pat Brits living in New Zealand and thinking of retiring back to dear old Blighty or anywhere else outside of Aotearoa – New Zealand does not give you your pension if you move overseas. Let me rant for a moment.

I paid my taxes fair and square for over 40 years as a worker in New Zealand. I always did my best to cough up what I owed, even engaging tax accountants to ensure I paid what was due in full. Always. Let me reiterate: I did this for 40-plus years. And now, because I've moved back to Britain I get nothing. Zip. Nada. Kahore he mea.

So long Brit suckers. Image: NZ Customs

Whereas those Brits who retired to New Zealand – or are about to – receive their British pensions without question. They do pass Go and they do collect £200. Or more. Unfortunately, for people like me it's a non-reciprocal arrangement.

Worse – but this is my fault – I have been able to work in the UK only since returning full-time in 2014; For me to be eligible for a UK pension I need to have worked here and paid taxes for at least ten years. So here I am caught between a rock and a hard place. No pension from NZ, no pension from the UK. (I use the term 'UK' loosely, as there is little evidence that it's united about anything. And don't get me started on 'GB'...)

Image: Civil Service World

I am of course allowed to work here, except that ageism is rampant, just as much as racism, genderism, and any other -isms you care to mention. There is no way I can get a job now at the age of 66, unless it's voluntary, and that would mean no pay-as-you-earn taxation, so it wouldn't contribute towards a pension anyway. However, in a way that's not the point; I am entitled to retire, but can't afford to. I am entitled to work, but nobody wants me. (Did I hear sobbing?)

Thank God then for my online benefactors. I've just checked my emails for updates and am pleased to announce that to add to my Bitcoin gazillionaire status I've just won a gift from supermarket chain Aldi, while New Zealand's star rugby player Sonny Bill Williams apparently has some investment advice for me, advice that – I'm assured – has 'experts in awe and big banks terrified.'

Trolls in New Zealand will, of course, say it serves me right for changing countries in the first place. Trolls in the dis-United Kingdom will say the same. Okay, maybe I was wrong. But if you're reading this and you're young enough to be considering a life-changing move somewhere overseas, do your retirement homework first.

Either that or I can put you in touch with my online financial benefactors. All I need are your bank details, PIN number and password.