Four Candles Re-lit

 

Britain's favourite television comedy sketch, Four Candles, dates back to the mid-1970s.

The Four Candles. Image: Daily Mail

The sketch featured on the primetime TV show The Two Ronnies, starring Ronnie
Corbett and Ronnie Barker. It was an immediate hit, tickling the nation's funny bone with the premise of the mis-heard phrase 'four candles' when in fact it was fork handles that Ronnie Barker wanted to buy.

Further homophonic misunderstandings occur during the sketch while Barker tries to buy other items from Corbett, including hose; what Barker wanted was Os - for his house name - as in 'Mon Repose'. It relied on Cockney pronunciation to elevate the confusion, but it was fun to both watch and listen to.

Ronnie Corbett losing patience. Image: stuff.co.nz

However, it had a weak ending - Barker said he was never really happy with it - when Corbett grabs Barker's shopping list in frustration and is horrified at what was to come next. It was a lame visual play on words, and we see Corbett declare that he absolutely wouldn't be providing the last thing on the list. The camera then zooms in on a drawer labelled 'Bill Hooks', and we're to assume Barker would have pronounced it 'bollocks'. (A billhook is a type of forestry or gardening cutting implement)

I agreed with Ronnie B that the ending was weak - it was changed for a 2005 Two Ronnies' Special where Corbett looks at the list and storms out, only to be replaced by a rather well-built young lady who also works in the store and asks, "Right then sir, what kind of knockers are you looking for?" 

I know, we groan now at the dad joke, but it would have appealed to Ronnie Barker who absolutely loved old English seaside postcard humour.

Image: Metro

Over the years I've seen the Four Candles sketch resurface or referred to many times, and it's been voted Britain's favourite TV comedy sketch and the best Two Ronnies' sketch on at least two occasions. The original script surfaced on an episode of Antiques Roadshow in 2006 and a year later sold at auction for a whopping £48,500. That's a lot of candles.

But I always thought Barker (who wrote it) could have done more with it if he'd perhaps let it gestate in his wonderfully creative brain for a bit longer. It's been gestating in mine for about a year now, and I've been pondering what other homophonic opportunities might have presented themselves in Corbett's hardware and general store. 

I've come up with a few, but of course it's now too late to send them to either Ronnie, so I humbly share my re-imagined Four Candles script here for you. I have kept the beginning, retained the four candles/fork handles part (because, y'know) but the other verbal confusions are mine, and the ending is very different. Read it with the original scenario and characters in mind, hear the two Ronnies' voices in your head, and enjoy.

Four Candles

Re-imagined by Mike Bodnar

Scene: Interior, hardware store, but selling all kinds of goods.

A woman gathers up a pack of toilet rolls from the counter, turns and leaves. Ronnie Corbett is the shopkeeper.

RC: Mind how you go.

Ronnie Barker enters the shop with a list of items he needs and goes to the counter.

RC: Good morning, how can I help?

RB: (Consults list) I want to purchase...

RC: (Waits for more but sees it isn't coming) Yeah, want to purchase what? We've got all sorts in 'ere...

RB: I want to purchase

RC Yeah, I know, you're the customer and I'm the shopkeeper. You want to purchase what?

RB: I want two perches!

RC: Ahhh, I see! Two perches! Well I'm sorry, we don't sell fish. You'll have to go to a pet shop for that.

RB: No! Two perches, for me birds to sit on, in their cage.

RC: Ohhh I see now, two perches. Right. (Reaches under counter and places two perches on the counter top) There you are, two perches.

RB: (Looks at them incredulously) Twelve inches?

RC: Well, together yes. They're six inches each, so two makes twelve inches.

RB: Nah, twelve inches? Won't work!

RC: What? (Exasperated now) Two times six is twelve.

RB: You're not listenin'. I've got twelve finches, twelve birds, they'll never fit on there!

RC: (Looks unimpressed) Twelve finches. Well why didn't you say? (Reaches under counter and brings out two more perches). There, that should do it. What else?

RB: (Consults list) Er, four candles.

RC: (Relieved) Finally, something simple! (Goes to shelf, climbs steps, gets candles and returns). There, four candles.

RB: (Shakes his head). Nah, fork handles. Handles for forks.

RC: (Can't believe what he's hearing). Handles for forks? Handles for forks? (Sighs) How many?

RB: Two.

RC: (Gets two fork handles, places them on the counter)

RB: Some old spray?

RC: Some old...? Why would I sell old spray? All our products are new.

RB: Nah, some mould spray – spray for mould.

RC: You're 'aving me on you are. You're just taking the mickey. (Walks to shelf muttering to himself, returns with mould spray). There, some mould spray. What else?

RB: Er... box o' food.

RC: A box of food. A box of food. Can you be more specific? A box of tomatoes maybe? Box of bananas? You can't just stand there saying 'box of food'!

RB: Nah, boxer food; food for me boxer.

RC: (By now completely exasperated). Then why didn't you just say??!

RB: I did: boxer food.

RC: (Goes and gets tin of dog food, slams it on counter). Now please, tell me something straightforward that I can get you, finish your shopping and get out of my store!

RB: Let us pray.

RC: What, you've come over all repentant all of a sudden? Need to talk to our Lord? Ask for forgiveness? All right then. (Closes eyes and begins the Lord's prayer) Our Father who art...

RB: Nah, nah... Lettuce spray. Spray for me lettuce!

RC: Right, that's it. I've had enough. Get out of my shop!

(Audience applause, ends)

The Four Candles Pub, Oxford. Image: Wikiwand

Please share any other homophonic ideas you might have in the comments section! The original sketch is on You Tube here.

For Better or for Worse

I have just been turned down for a job. Again. It's something I've got used to now, especially at my age. I'm too old, too white, and too male.

Am I grumpy? You betcha, but there's not much point in teeth-gnashing - my teeth are bad enough as it is. 

Unlike the Olympics where each event has three winners - Gold, Silver and Bronze for first, second and third respectively - when there's a job vacancy there is only one winner. Everyone else is a complete and utter down-and-out loser, including those so close to the finishing line on the shortlist who fail to get the job.

The role I went for was with the BBC as a staff comedy writer. And before you say, 'Well, you were never going to get that; that's way too ambitious', what you don't know is that I also recently applied for a vacancy as a cleaner. I didn't get that either. (And no, that wasn't for the BBC), so I am unemployable at either end of the scale.

I was actually holding out a slim hope for the BBC role as I ticked all the boxes in the job description and requirements. So, I duly went online and filled in the application template. I dislike application templates because they tend to be restrictive in how you can present yourself to best effect; they're more akin to multiple-choice exam questions as opposed to, say, having to write an essay on something. But I gave it my best shot, and I was delighted to see that the application also required me to demonstrate some creativity.

In one of the template windows they asked me to write a 500-word speech for the best man or matron of honour at a wedding where the couple should definitely not be marrying each other. Perhaps I failed to get the job because my speech came to 499 words.

In reality, the polite but-nonetheless-infuriating BBC rejection email said that because I didn't already have two broadcast comedy writing credits to my name I was discounted. And yet, as I highlighted in my application, I have written comedy - for the Stand-Up and be Counted show I initiated and produced through Radio New Zealand in 2009 (when I was not only producer but also the show's host), and multiple times for my own comedy gigs, either solo or with other Kiwi comics. But that doesn't count. Could it be because it wasn't for the BBC?

To make me feel better they told me they'd had over 800 applicants. I don't care about that, but obviously one of those has already written for TV and so is 'established'. It's the old vicious cycle thing again: you can't have the job unless you've had the job.

Anyway, I did like it that the Beeb actually wanted to see some evidence of comedy writing - it makes a change from just having to fill in your school grades (at my age for God's sake! What possible relevance do they have??). But rather than the wedding speech ending up in Auntie's 'Deleted' box, I present it to you here and now, all 499 words of it. You never know, you might find a use for it :-)

The Wedding Speech

Image courtesy of 
SnappyGoat.com

In a moment I will be asking you to raise your glasses, those of you who are wearing them, so that you'll better be able to see our celebrated couple, Professor Sir Ahmed Al Abdin-Amdad... and Charlene – or Chazza as she likes to be known – in soft focus.

Why? Because – in the photography sense – soft focus enhances, filters, and – as any big screen star knows – hides blemishes.

And it's the blemishes of course that Chazza and Ahmed know very well. It's the flaws, the many imperfections that they have accepted in each other, as today they not only tie the knot but soak it in vinegar so that it may never, ever, ever be undone.

For theirs is a union unique. And when I say union, it is because I turned, as all good best men do, to the dictionary to be assured I have chosen my words correctly.

A union, we are told, is a joining, a coupling. But in an engineering sense it also refers to a particular type of bolt usually found on carburettors, which allows the flow of fuel from one place to another. Yes, I can hear some of you understandably sniggering, but let's not forget that fuel mishandled can be a dangerous thing.

And so it seems appropriate at this stage for me just to point out the fire exits: there's one behind you and a second at the end of the corridor just past the gents' toilets – should any conflagration break out.

But for Chazza and Ahmed there are only the flames of passion. Blind to any alarm bells
clamouring and ringing, they smell not the thick black acrid smoke creeping under their door.

Not for them the mad dash down the back stairs to safety, oh no. Together they are their own breathing apparatus, and we can only hope that their air supply doesn't run out.

Instead, ensconced within their asbestos-like envelope of love, singeing though it is as the flames lick all around, they are ignorant of the desperate cries of the people outside shouting 'Fire, fire! Get out now!

Or is it that we can never see things from their point of view? That we, on the outside of their exclusive Freemason-like members-only club, can never know the secret handshakes and passwords, or feel the security that these two share that makes them bulletproof, and of course fireproof.

Image from Pixnio

Perhaps if they were to stare with us into the crackling flames, they too might question the incorrect application of flammable materials, the illegally propped-open fire doors, and the dangling broken bulbs of emergency lighting.

Oh yes, the familiar green exit signs have been there since the beginning for all to see, but as we well know, familiarity breeds contempt, and Ahmed and Chazza have been very, very familiar.

And today, as we all witnessed, they became as one, and agreed that it would be for better or for worse.

Please raise your glasses to our extinguished couple, Chazza and Ahmed!

The Horrors of Halloween

This year Halloween falls on a Saturday, which means the real horrors of Halloween are even more frightening...

Image: © Mike Bodnar

Let me get one thing clear: I've always disliked Halloween. Not because I'm a curmudgeonly old bloke who loathes the concept of little children knocking on my door (I am), or because the whole thing has been commercialised beyond belief (it has), but because Halloween is just an excuse for pretend horror, and grisly ghoulish get-ups that have little to do with the Celtic origins of the festival. 

It has become an annual event in the same vein (see what I did there?) as Black Friday sales, Boxing Day sales and Amazon Prime Day. The sound of Halloween is not a blood-curdling scream or the howl of a werewolf - it is the ring of cash registers. 

Last year, research showed that Americans planned to spend US$8.8 billion on Halloween-related products and activities. Ka-ching! 

But the other sound of Halloween is the mournful wailing of ambulance sirens.

Eight billion US dollars. No wonder they're grinning. Image: Mike Bodnar

That's because Halloween activities have become synonymous with horror-filled statistics, with real-life incidents involving genuine blood, and genuine fear. And - sadly - actual death. And this year, with a plague on the loose, it has the potential to spread DREAD AND FEAR as never before (cue the Vincent Price laughing-track from Thriller).

No but seriously. Each year around Halloween the number of casualties in hospital departments rises - here in the UK, in the United States, and likely in other countries where All-Hallows Eve is 'celebrated'. 

Fireworks add to the risk in the UK/ Image: Mike Bodnar

Hand injuries sustained while carving pumpkins into grimacing toothy lanterns are common, while eye injuries caused either by chemical spillages from broken glow sticks or inappropriate use of ghoulish contact lenses all see medical centres busier than usual.

In Britain things are not helped by the fact that Halloween occurs less than a week before Guy Fawkes - bonfire night - so there's also an increase in firework-related burns and injuries.

In New Zealand the government's Accident Compensation Corporation - which pays wholly or partly for accidents (and subsequent rehabilitation) sustained within NZ - last year researched through six years' worth of Halloweens and found 136 related injuries. 

Not much compared with some other countries perhaps, but then the population is only around five million. The claims showed that they included the following words: 

Always cut pumpkins away from you!
Image: Supplied




• trick or treat
• prank
• creep
• pumpkin / carving
• dress up / costume
• lantern
• lollies / candies
• casket
• cemetery
• Halloween
• ghost / ghoul
• scare / fright
• haunted
• werewolf.

The most frequent injury type was ‘soft tissue’ (pumpkin carvers, I'm lookin' at you) but personally I'd just like to know who the 'creep' was.

Disturbingly - and this comes from the US but likely applies in other places - more children are injured or killed by cars on Halloween, due to trick-or-treating out after dark. Analysts say it's not always the fault of the drivers either, as Halloween masks can inhibit a child's vision when crossing roads, so they might not see a vehicle approaching. 

It's even worse when Halloween falls on a Saturday because there's a higher number of alcohol-affected drivers on the roads. 

SATURDAY HORRORS

Research in the US suggests that it's not just drunk drivers who are to blame; in 2015 - the last time the Day of Dread fell on a Saturday - Dr Sarah Denny, a physician at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Ohio, noted that when Halloween falls on a Saturday parents at home relaxing after their working week can consume more alcohol, and have a correspondingly more relaxed attitude to their children's activities. Which means that an extra number of kids might be unsupervised, allowed to stay out later, roam further and, well, you know the dangers.

She also notes that the kids themselves are less vigilant: 'A lot of it is the excitement of what's going on and people are less careful."

Stay safe! Image: Mike Bodnar

The bad news is that this year Halloween falls on a Saturday again. 

The good news - ironically given that October 31 is a day of zombies and fear - is that with Covid-19 present in society (and a UK government edict that outdoor Halloween activities are to be banned in lockdown areas) there will be fewer children trick-or-treating, and depending on local lockdown restrictions, maybe fewer drivers on the roads too. 

Despite the fact that we have the genuine horror of an actual pandemic to cope with, virologist Dr Chris Smith from the University of Cambridge is optimistic, and says that it is still possible to enjoy Halloween safely providing we take certain measures.

In a recent BBC report he said, 'Because it's Halloween I'd say people are quite likely to be wearing a mask anyway so if they can make a face covering work it's [sic] way into their costume then even better.' 

Wrapped sweets: recommended. Image: Mike Bodnar

Dr Smith advised that trick-or-treaters should avoid visiting elderly or vulnerable neighbours and should consider prearranging visits with householders who are comfortable with them knocking on their doors. 

The virologist warned that the nature of the tricks should also be thought through, as any that involve entering a property or close contact could increase the risk of Covid transmission. 

He had further advice regarding treats, saying that handing out unwrapped sweets ('candy' for our American cousins) or offering them in a bowl where multiple children can delve their hands in isn't recommended, and that wrapped sweets are preferable. Better still, he advises (grumpy) people like me just to hang a bag of wrapped sweets outside so the little blighters can help themselves (grumpy is my inclusion, not his).

Personally, because I'm curmudgeonly and old, I'd be delighted if the government just banned Halloween outdoor activities nationwide this year so I won't have to suffer kids knocking on our door trick-or-treating. But on a more practical level I will be happy to see a drop in accident statistics as a result of more people staying home, enabling medical centre staff to concentrate on a more normal workload.

That doesn't mean I'll be totally safe of course - the real of horror of this Halloween is that October 31 is my wife's birthday, and I haven't got her anything yet!

Further:

NHS advice for a safer Halloween and Bonfire Night

The Metro guide to this year's Halloween

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