In Lieu of Toilet Paper

It’s a little-known fact that Coronavirus isn’t just a respiratory disease, it also apparently causes madness. The symptoms are panic, increased pulse rate, a raging need to hoard and stockpile, and – in the event that the latter looks unlikely– a tendency towards violence.

This was evident from outbreaks of supermarket mayhem recently in which some customers, in fear of a government lock-down or the overall collapse of society as a result of Covid-19, have fought over stock on the shelves, in particular toilet paper.

Not worth fighting over

Yes, in the event of Coronavirus what we all obviously need is copious supplies of bog rolls so that when we really are on death’s door we can be smug in the knowledge that we can at least go to the loo in comfort and assurance.

In Australia, one of the least-affected countries so far, two Coronavirus-panicked women came to blows over toilet paper in a supermarket aisle and police had to be called. Video of the fight went viral on social media.

The incident, in New South Wales, led state police acting-inspector Andrew New to comment, ‘We just ask that people don't panic like this when they go out shopping. There is no need for it. It's not the Thunderdome, it's not Mad Max, we don't need to do that.’ Crikey, 'streuth mate.

The women were charged for fighting over the loo rolls, which presumably wiped any smiles off their faces.

Anyway, if indeed things do get a bit Mad Maxish and there are riots in supermarkets over toilet tissue, we’ll need to find some alternatives. The obvious ones are ordinary tissues like Kleenex and kitchen paper roll, but of course the savvy will have thought of this already. Soon there’ll be fights in the stationery aisles over reams of A4 paper, envelopes, and gift-wrap.

And of course now that I’ve suggested those practical alternatives it means there will likely be fights in any aisle selling anything remotely to do with paper, so it falls to me to introduce you to nature’s answer to toilet tissue: plants. Or to be precise, leaves.

Dock leaves, nature's loo paper
(Image: Wikimedia Commons)

I know I’m not the first person to realise this; hardened outdoor-types and of course post-apocalyptic preppers already know which foliage offer the best bum wiping alternatives, but I doubt such knowledge is widespread among the urban community. So I’ve done some quick research on your behalf, and present you here with a few top tips.

Firstly – and this seems (literally) painfully obvious – not all leaves are suitable for wiping yourself with. One website helpfully suggests avoiding plants with ‘irritable hairs, spikes or thorns’, and to use fresh green leaves rather than dried vegetation which might tear or disintegrate. Nettles are a no-no too.

So that’s what to avoid, but what features should we be looking for when browsing nature’s supermarket aisles, also known as hedgerows and forest paths? Well you don’t need to be a genius to work that one out; look for large leaves with a degree of thickness and resilience that won’t easily tear, and also leaves with fuzzy surfaces, or maybe smooth. It’s worth knowing that the underneath of some leaves can be fuzzier than the tops.

Here in the UK, the ubiquitous dock leaf is the hiker’s friend. But there are plenty of others, which vary in abundance depending what part of the world you live in but which share the feature of large leaves including: Big-leaf Magnolia, Mullein (sometimes called the Lumberjack’s or Cowboy’s Toilet paper), Broadleaf Plantain, Lamb’s Ear, and of course the humble moss. One website recommends using dried corn cobs. Take a look in your own garden or park and you’ll likely find some other options.

The Sun: Getting to
the Bottom of Things

But let’s not forget that the Romans used sponges which could be rinsed out after use. (History suggests these were often attached to the end of a stick and shared between soldiers in the latrines. When passed from one to another it was important to grab the correct end, hence the phrase ‘grabbing hold of the wrong end of the stick'!).

In the event that all the paper and plant options have either run out or prove too tricky to get, don’t forget that washcloths can be used and rinsed, as can cloth nappies, towels and even old T-shirts. Maybe not pleasant but as any parent who has used cloth nappies will tell you, a bucket of bleach works wonders.

Oh, and if all else fails, let’s not forget the humble newspaper; The Sun, Daily Mail and other tabloids will not only efficiently wipe your cares away, they will also give you immense satisfaction knowing that these papers have finally found their niche.