In Lieu of Toilet Paper

It’s a little-known fact that Coronavirus isn’t just a respiratory disease, it also apparently causes madness. The symptoms are panic, increased pulse rate, a raging need to hoard and stockpile, and – in the event that the latter looks unlikely– a tendency towards violence.

This was evident from outbreaks of supermarket mayhem recently in which some customers, in fear of a government lock-down or the overall collapse of society as a result of Covid-19, have fought over stock on the shelves, in particular toilet paper.

Not worth fighting over

Yes, in the event of Coronavirus what we all obviously need is copious supplies of bog rolls so that when we really are on death’s door we can be smug in the knowledge that we can at least go to the loo in comfort and assurance.

In Australia, one of the least-affected countries so far, two Coronavirus-panicked women came to blows over toilet paper in a supermarket aisle and police had to be called. Video of the fight went viral on social media.

The incident, in New South Wales, led state police acting-inspector Andrew New to comment, ‘We just ask that people don't panic like this when they go out shopping. There is no need for it. It's not the Thunderdome, it's not Mad Max, we don't need to do that.’ Crikey, 'streuth mate.

The women were charged for fighting over the loo rolls, which presumably wiped any smiles off their faces.

Anyway, if indeed things do get a bit Mad Maxish and there are riots in supermarkets over toilet tissue, we’ll need to find some alternatives. The obvious ones are ordinary tissues like Kleenex and kitchen paper roll, but of course the savvy will have thought of this already. Soon there’ll be fights in the stationery aisles over reams of A4 paper, envelopes, and gift-wrap.

And of course now that I’ve suggested those practical alternatives it means there will likely be fights in any aisle selling anything remotely to do with paper, so it falls to me to introduce you to nature’s answer to toilet tissue: plants. Or to be precise, leaves.

Dock leaves, nature's loo paper
(Image: Wikimedia Commons)

I know I’m not the first person to realise this; hardened outdoor-types and of course post-apocalyptic preppers already know which foliage offer the best bum wiping alternatives, but I doubt such knowledge is widespread among the urban community. So I’ve done some quick research on your behalf, and present you here with a few top tips.

Firstly – and this seems (literally) painfully obvious – not all leaves are suitable for wiping yourself with. One website helpfully suggests avoiding plants with ‘irritable hairs, spikes or thorns’, and to use fresh green leaves rather than dried vegetation which might tear or disintegrate. Nettles are a no-no too.

So that’s what to avoid, but what features should we be looking for when browsing nature’s supermarket aisles, also known as hedgerows and forest paths? Well you don’t need to be a genius to work that one out; look for large leaves with a degree of thickness and resilience that won’t easily tear, and also leaves with fuzzy surfaces, or maybe smooth. It’s worth knowing that the underneath of some leaves can be fuzzier than the tops.

Here in the UK, the ubiquitous dock leaf is the hiker’s friend. But there are plenty of others, which vary in abundance depending what part of the world you live in but which share the feature of large leaves including: Big-leaf Magnolia, Mullein (sometimes called the Lumberjack’s or Cowboy’s Toilet paper), Broadleaf Plantain, Lamb’s Ear, and of course the humble moss. One website recommends using dried corn cobs. Take a look in your own garden or park and you’ll likely find some other options.

The Sun: Getting to
the Bottom of Things

But let’s not forget that the Romans used sponges which could be rinsed out after use. (History suggests these were often attached to the end of a stick and shared between soldiers in the latrines. When passed from one to another it was important to grab the correct end, hence the phrase ‘grabbing hold of the wrong end of the stick'!).

In the event that all the paper and plant options have either run out or prove too tricky to get, don’t forget that washcloths can be used and rinsed, as can cloth nappies, towels and even old T-shirts. Maybe not pleasant but as any parent who has used cloth nappies will tell you, a bucket of bleach works wonders.

Oh, and if all else fails, let’s not forget the humble newspaper; The Sun, Daily Mail and other tabloids will not only efficiently wipe your cares away, they will also give you immense satisfaction knowing that these papers have finally found their niche.

Bare-Faced Cheek

Image: Wikimeida Commons

Spring is here, which means summer’s not far behind, which means I can look forward to long hot summer days and getting my kit off to lie starkers in the garden.

Or not; I’m not sure the neighbourhood is ready to cock an eye at me like that yet, or even the other way round. Neighbours, you can relax. I shall remain what is prudishly called ‘decent’. Unless you’re a naturist of course, in which case going naked is still seen as ‘decent’, which upsets some people.

The people I refer to are those who prefer to keep their clothes on, or at least their naughty bits covered up at all times, even in the remotest of locations and on the hottest of days. They seem to take offence at the overall concept of nudism, especially when it’s part of a public display, such as a recent planned mid-winter indoor swim at a Blackpool water venue.

To reveal all, (or rather, to be fair) it wasn’t a public display inasmuch as it was a strictly-controlled private event; the protesters’ concerns were that it involved family nudism, that children would be involved and that ‘non-members’ (oh stop it!) would be allowed to join in. A protest organiser was reported as saying it was, 'a massive safeguarding issue', with ‘…children being naked around adults neither their parents or themselves know' ‘

The event was organised by British Naturism – a 50-plus year-old organisation, so with a few expected wrinkles – which defended the event as being one they’d run successfully for over 10 years. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, ‘…if there were any problems associated with it then it would have been discontinued years ago.’

He added encouragingly that British Naturism had developed a ‘robust child and vulnerable adults safeguarding policy’, developed in conjunction with the NSPCC and reviewed annually. (So robust children would presumably be okay then)

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Anyway that’s the background, and the event gained some column inches in the media as a result. What worried me more than that was the revelation that in the nudiverse, those who wear clothes are referred to as ‘textiles’, which the British Naturism spokesperson admitted he wasn’t particularly happy with and emphasised that it tended to be used in situations of conflict rather than as a general term of reference.

Perhaps more disturbing was the revelation that British Naturism wants anti-naturist abuse classed as a ‘hate crime’.

The spokesperson went on to say, “These days, we all agree that shouting abuse at somebody because of the colour of their skin, their sexual preference or their religion is not acceptable… yet naturists still receive that type of abuse based on their dress code.”

Seriously? Undress code surely. But actual abuse? Well, maybe. It brings up the old chestnut of offence being taken when it’s not deliberately given (Ref. Gammon v Snowflake et al). Naturists enjoy the opportunity to shed their clothing and enjoy the outdoors and sunshine (or in the case of the recent event an indoor private venue) ostensibly for health purposes and the social equality that going sans clothes enables. Nobody can judge you by your attire if you’re not wearing any.

And I’m sure that 99.9% of naturists do not deliberately aim to cause offence. That the offence is taken by those who are onlookers, or who philosophically disagree with the practice is simply collateral damage. This is especially true where nudity is not seen in law as a criminal offence.

Also, there is almost certainly suspicion on the part of certain textiles that taking your kit off en groupe is likely to be for sexual purposes, whereas I imagine that while those who strip off – for example for a mid-winter nude plunge – are more likely to be stark raving bonkers rather than people who are bonk-raving and starkers.

Offended? Look the other way...

I personally relish an opportunity to swim naked, though the mercury has to be in the mid- to high-20s and the sea warmer than that; the feel of warm water that has ‘access all areas’ is a true joy. Likewise, nude sunbathing – it’s a special feeling to have the sun caressing you and a warm gentle breeze to tickle your fancy. But I don’t do either of these in order to give offence; if you’re offended, look the other way.

I guess it’s fair enough that the protesters against this event apparently had the safeguarding and best interests of children at heart, but maybe they should just let the organisation involved get on with their own self-regulation and self-policing and take their naked aggression elsewhere.

The Truth is Up There (maybe...)

Recently footage emerged from the International Space Station (ISS) of what some people are saying is an alien spacecraft. I’ll put a link to it at the end of this blog because I don’t want you leaving this page till you’ve listened to me. NO! Do not scroll down to the link – just hear me out, then go take a look.

Good. So now you’re like, ‘What footage? I didn’t see it on the news,' which is a very good point. You didn’t see it on the news because it’s still not categorical proof that aliens exist, that they’re shadowing the ISS, or that they’re walking among us as we speak (or read).

So what did the footage show? Well, firstly let’s make one thing clear: instead of the video being from NASA pointing out the ‘anomaly’ directly, it was instead made public by a ufologist called Scott Waring, who posted the video on his You Tube channel (pic, right).

NASA provides live feeds from a camera on the ISS, and this one was operating because of some maintenance work that was being done on the station. Waring watched it and claims he noticed something special. The camera is fixed and shows bits of the station’s infrastructure with the earth passing by below. Great stuff, though there’s nothing happening.

Then, in the bottom of frame, a small object moves in, and keeps station (that is, travels at the same speed and direction as the ISS) perfectly. It moves slightly ahead of the station at one point but for the next 20 minutes or so it doesn’t do anything except maintain position. It looks like a metallic acorn or a pine cone. Whatever, it looks solid, it looks real.

Someone on the ISS is manually operating the onboard camera because they too seem to notice the object and reposition the camera a couple of times for a better view, including a slight zoom in. There’s no audio relating to the UFO, so presumably the operator either wasn’t being recorded, or NASA has already muted the ‘Holy Moley! What the Fuck? Guys! We’ve got company!’ comment.

But wait, there’s more! Twenty minutes in and suddenly the object, which has done nothing but keep station, suddenly takes off – upwards, and very fast. So, those of you who were already thinking, well obviously it’s a supply cargo capsule that’s undocked from the ISS and is about to return to earth can think again. Supply capsules wouldn’t carry enough spare fuel to manoeuvre up to a higher orbit, and anyway, why would they? All they have to do is undock and after a few more orbits fire their thrusters to return to earth on the planned angle of approach.

The International Space Station (image: NASA)

So, obviously an alien spacecraft. Or not. Don’t get me wrong – nobody wants aliens to exist more than me - I've had a lifelong fascination with extraterrestrials and the potential for aliens either to visit us in the future or already being here - at least one of my friends is probably one. But the older I get the more I question the logic behind events such as this.

That's not to say I doubt some folks’ personal UFO experiences, I absolutely don't, and I've seen things in the sky that I can't explain - not flying saucers or spacecraft, just genuinely unidentified flying objects. (Unfortunately the term 'UFO' has become synonymous with alien spacecraft instead of being what they are: unidentified aerial phenomena). But as someone famously once said (so famous that I can't remember who), until a spacecraft lands on the White House lawn, there's no proof.

So, here’s what my increasingly logical and sceptical brain has been thinking about this latest event:

• If this is genuine footage, unaltered or amended, why hasn't NASA said anything about it?
• Interesting that the first person to 'reveal' it is a ufologist, someone who looks for such things, rather than an authoritative source. That's not to say it didn't happen or isn't real, but what if – if, note – the guy is also adept at CGI?
• And if he is a CGI expert, why hasn’t NASA come forward and denied the footage?
• Even if this event is real, why isn't it headline news around the world in all major media? Instead it's in the tabloids, and semi-buried, even on space.com which is a prime organ for such things. So why isn't space.com following it up independently?
• Why aren't journalists asking The Donald about it in press conferences?
• Why also aren't journalists chasing NASA for comment, or going to astronauts who've been on the ISS for their opinions?
• Why isn’t the Vatican issuing a press release?

Earth at night (Image: NASA)

And the story didn’t make it to the BBC News. Instead, it remains an ‘out there’ story. Conspiracy theorists will answer all these questions with, 'Well, typically, it's being kept quiet, as has everything since Roswell 1947', and they may be right. I mean, just think: what would it do to the world’s religions if the government – any government – were to come out and say, ‘Hey folks, aliens exist, and they’re here now from outer space!’? Exactly. Pandemonium.

In the meantime we await the landing on the White House Lawn. But just to throw an extraterrestrial fly in the earthly ointment: is this orbital event anything to do with the arrival of Coronavirus on earth? Cue Twilight Zone theme music. Conspiracy theorists form an orderly queue.

(Okay, now you can check out Mr Waring’s edited highlights here.)