Incompetence Rocks!

 Mike Bodnar apologises for having a rant at politicians and how they rise to power…

 

Yup, that's how we feel too. Image: the Guardian

Yes, I’m sorry. I humbly apologise that I am now forced to write about politicians, because politics is one of my no-go areas generally. But there comes a time. There comes the hour. Here cometh the Man.

What’s tipped me over the edge today are pictures in the media of our prime minister (Boris Johnson, for it is he) drinking from a water glass and looking sneezy, because – shock, horror – he has A COLD!

OMG and all that, hold the front page! Breaking news! FFS.

While hundreds of migrants a day try their luck crossing the English Channel, while the Amazon continues to disappear at an alarming rate, while homeless people around the country face a bleak and hopeless winter, and while HS2 isn’t – surprise, surprise – going to contribute to levelling up with t’north after all, all the media are concerned with is the fact that the prime minister appears to have a raspy voice.

Well diddums. Boris can afford private health care, efficient central heating, a warm overcoat or three, and he lives in a fine house – all paid for, need I remind you – by us. He can even go on holiday to somewhere lovely and warm, paid for by his party supporters. Can we?

And let’s face it, Bozo is just the one at the top. Beneath him and alongside him there’s a raft (apologies to migrants) of fellow politicians all equally well paid (some with two or three extra lucrative jobs) who also enjoy all the trappings of public office. Including I now might add, anonymity as to what those extra roles and incomes might be. FFS again.

Priti useless. Image: the Conversation

These senior politicians – Ministers of the Crown – enjoy their privileged positions because their boss, the aforementioned Bozo, has handed them the roles. They haven’t earned their seats in the ivory towers, they have merely been chummy with the right person, and have thus been rewarded with positions of appalling power and influence.

But where is the evidence that any of them – go on, I dare you – has shown true professionalism and excellence in their roles? We have had huge payments to Tory chums during the pandemic, support and protection for offshore tax haven companies operating in the UK and not paying due tax, millions wasted on spurious projects run by even more spurious quick-start companies, and with how much accountability? Fuck all.

Good luck. Image: The Guardian

Meanwhile, during the shambolic ‘measures’ (I use the term loosely) taken to mitigate education during the pandemic, GCSEs were missed, critical benchmarks in students’ lives were compromised, and a whole section of our youth is now having to play catch-up in the hope – get this – that they will eventually qualify sufficiently to be able to hold down a secure job and earn a decent wage. Well good luck.

The best advice I can offer our yoof is to enrol for a political science degree and join the Tory Party. Oh, and take a course or two in schmoozing, public relations, and try for a B.Fawn. (Batchelor of Fawning). That way you might one day become prime minister.

Rant over.

PS: When I was in my late teens I said to my mother, ‘I’ve half a mind to become a politician.’ She replied, ‘Well in that case you’re overqualified.’

Putting Ability into Accountability

On the back of the Marble Arch Hill disaster, Mike Bodnar wants to see those in charge of huge infrastructure and vanity projects held to account…

London is hopeless. Not the city itself or its lovely notable bits – give me an ancient alleyway, historic pub or the Tower of London any day – no, I’m talking about bureaucratic London, the one that looks to spend taxpayer money on public works. Because very few of them work as planned, or open on time, and some don’t even reach completion.

The value of the mound has dropped. Image: The Guardian

The latest debacle is the Marble Arch ‘hill’, a frivolous folly rooted in good intentions that has suddenly closed after three days due to its universal unpopularity. Online memes suggest the Teletubbies’ mound was better executed, while even the media has called it ‘crap.’ One woman who paid her £8 to climb to the top said it was the worst London attraction she’d ever experienced.

It was supposed to give unparalleled views of inner central London; instead it has given us a clear panorama of wasted taxpayers’ money - all £6 million of it - stretching to the horizon.

But that shouldn’t be a surprise since none of the other recent proposed taxpayer-funded attractions or infrastructure projects have resulted in overwhelming approval, or completion.

The dream: the Garden Bridge. Image: Heathwick

Four years ago former London mayor Boris Johnson’s proposed garden bridge over the River Thames was abandoned after five years of hype with not a single bucket of concrete poured. The total cost? A staggering £53.5 million, of which about £43 million was from the public purse, according to an inquiry by Transport for London (TfL). Worse, it is now costing a further unbelievable £5.5 million as part of a ‘cancellation agreement,’ so the bridge spans the gulf of incredulity from one side to the other if nothing else.

By now, July 2021, I should, in principle be able to travel in some luxury and great convenience across London and out to Heathrow in under an hour via the Crossrail Elizabeth Line. I should have been able to do this for the past two years, but I haven’t because it’s still – after ten years since its inception – not finished.

Crossrail. Or not. Image: The Guardian

It could be argued that when it does finally open it can at least begin to recoup some of its cost (unlike the Bridge of Nothing to Nowhere), except that to date that cost is over £18 billion, which in itself is about £2.5 billion over budget. Yes billion, that’s not a typo. Okay, it’s apparently Europe’s largest infrastructure project, but that doesn’t excuse the ineptitude of those responsible for it, including Mayor Sadiq Khan who has been accused of taking too much of a ‘hands-off’ approach to it.

Should I mention HS2, the much-hyped fast rail connection between the north and south? Should I note the original proposed cost of £32 billion then became £55.7 billion which then further escalated to £88 billion in 2015? It now currently stands at an estimated £107bn, a figure not unreasonably suggested by Lord Berkeley, former deputy chairman of the government's independent review into the project.

We may as well just do some Swedish rounding right now and call it £200 billion by the time it’s finished (yeah, sure) in the 2030s.

High Speed 2 (HS2). Image: City A.M.

The problem we have here is unaccountability. Those in public office at the time of origin of such fantasies tend not to be in power later, and therefore escape the net of inquiry. There are few checks and balances, and public inquiries after the event are toothless in apportioning blame and – especially – recovering wasted money.

Imagine for a moment that you or I – normal everyday individuals – wanted to take out an extension on our mortgage. Do you think for a moment that the bank will agree to it without first going into extreme detail about our income plus the value of the property plus our equity in it? And, even if they agree to the extension, they will also draw up a contract that puts them first in the queue should we default on our payments and the property has to be sold. In short, they want a guarantee that they will get their money back plus interest in the event the deal falls through.

So why then are people in public office like Boris Johnson able to dream up fantastic schemes, invest millions of public funds, and not be held accountable? If they had to sign a personal guarantee that they would refund lost taxpayer funds in the event of a project’s collapse, the project would then never go ahead. But it’s not their money that’s involved.

Image: Free Enterprise

I know, you’re saying, ‘But then nothing would ever get done.’ Well, in the case of the garden bridge it didn’t anyway, yet it still cost over £50 million. But yes, there has to be a compromise between pie-in-the-sky or much-needed projects, their costs and their over-runs, and appropriate accountability in the event of significant delays or no-shows. 

Independent reviews after the event are too late – the money has gone. What we need is accountability at the top level on a weekly scale, independent fully-armed, locked-and-loaded reviews that have the ammunition to call a halt to a project in the public interest at a time before the damage is done. Whoever heads these accountability crack squads should also have the ability to fire at will (in the sense of ‘You’re fired,’ rather than actually putting the culprit in the cross-hairs and pulling the trigger. Although…)

Darfield Earthquake 2010, NZ.
Image: Mike Bodnar

And there should be some insurance to safeguard the public’s funds from misappropriation. Because in the end that’s what is happening: taxpayer money is being thrown away. I’m no expert in high finance or international economies, but if entire countries can take out international insurance against devastating earthquakes (viz. New Zealand and others) then surely we can do it on the basis of our own domestic home-engineered disasters.

Further, while I’m on a roll, let’s see those in charge of huge infrastructure and vanity projects are held to account by having contracts that stipulate no bonuses where targets are not met, no pension pay-outs in the event they lose their positions, and no golden handshakes either whether they are fired or resign in disgrace. It’s exactly what the rest of us humble individuals would be up against in the workplace. 

And public office is just that: a workplace. Let’s make it work.

 

 

 

Heads Should Roll

With the passing of HRH Prince Philip the Duke of Edinburgh at 99, and with the Her Majesty now left on her own at the age of 95, some are questioning the role of the monarchy from here on. Some have been doing that for decades, but events such as Philip's death rekindle the flame of interest in a wider context and to a wider audience.

Even within 'the firm' the issue of just what a royal should be has manifested itself in recent times, with Harry and Meghan having decamped to the USA, and with apparent rifts between said Harry and brother Wills. There's no shortage of falling-out rumours across the royal board, as the tabloids remind us with every issue and online update. It's become so dramatic that it's also become... a drama (ref. The Crown television series.) It could be argued that Her Majesty Olivia Coleman is now more popular than Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth.

HM Olivia

But yes, it's all very well for me and others to sit smugly back and say, 'So what's the monarchy going to do next then?' as we delve into our bag of crisps and sip on our can of lager. (Glass of sauvignon blanc, surely? Ed.)

Here's my take on it. And yes, you might like to pour yourself a glass of Oyster Bay savvy or open a can of Heineken (not being paid for product placement, but email me if you work for a winery or brewery) before I start. It's okay, I'll wait.

With the death of HRH the media has been awash with historical retrospectives, especially during the official national mourning period, so we've all been reminded about Betty's rise to the throne, her romance with Phil the Greek, their marriage and the following decades of service to the country and the Commonwealth (a word which, in itself, is now cause for great debate. Mass debate even. If you'd like to mass debate, go ahead, but maybe wait till I've finished penning my thoughts. Always remember: the penis, mightier than the sword. Sorry, the pen is mightier than the sword. Bloody autocorrect.)

But let's get serious. Straight face, no smirking. Traditionally - and that's an important word - the Queen's role has been one of hands-off day-to-day running of the country, and has instead been more ceremonial as Head of State; opening Parliament (and dissolving it where necessary), and  approving Bills before they become law, etc. Although she apparently has weekly meetings with whoever happens to be Prime Minister, it's very unclear what effect she has on the elected chief executive of the United Kingdom, if any.

As regards the so-called Commonwealth, Her Majesty again acts as a ceremonial Head of State, making occasional visits to her subjects, waving from her Rolls Royce, and cutting ribbons to declare something open. She rarely, if ever, intervenes in Commonwealth crises.

Anyway, these days she's far more likely to send son Charles with a pair of scissors to do the cutting and opening, and at 95 who can blame her?

But - and it's a big but - the United Kingdom finds itself in a state of great uncertainty today. It voted in a referendum to leave the European Union, and for many that vote was a decision based on outright lies (reference the Tory promise that the NHS would be £385 million pounds per week better off; witness the recent one percent pay rise given to nursing staff). Some actually believed that all eastern Europeans would be kicked out of the country, and that Britain would somehow be 'great' again. 

No accounting...

Well, many Europeans have decided to stay away from the UK, or leave it and go back home. But to our cost. And, as we know, the NHS remains underfunded. Meanwhile there are accusations that Prime Minister Buffoon - sorry, Boris - Johnson is ensuring government money goes to his Etonian cronies and pals or relatives of his family. And he's allegedly spent up large on decorating his own flat using public funds if not Tory funds. Possibly both.

His oversight of his various ministers' roles in managing the Covid crisis has been abysmal (witness Dido Harding's complete failure to initiate any meaningful track and trace system after being given billions in government funding), and let's not even ask about who in the government has made millions from investing in Covid-related response schemes such as vaccine development.

From the start of the Covid crisis the British government's handling of it has been utterly shameful, and now there are government mandarins willing to 'testify under oath' that Boris Johnson said that he didn't care if thousands of bodies piled up in the streets, there would definitely be 'no third lockdown.'

Did I mention the scandals around unsafe and/or inefficient personal protection equipment for the NHS frontline workers? Or the handing out of billions of pounds in support money to businesses with no checks or balances to ensure those businesses actually qualified for them? And that there is little or no investigation into who might have been fraudulently claiming support?

Product placement

I could go on, but I fear you will have consumed the whole bottle of Oyster Bay before I finish. So, let's cut to the chase and return to the monarchy.

We have a country in crisis and a monarchy in crisis, but one can help the other. It's time for the monarchy to reinvent itself, as the people's guardian. We need an overseer, we need a 'higher authority' that can hold the government to account. And especially its chief executive, the Prime Minister.

We are ready for the monarch's role to become one of actual Head of State rather than merely ceremonial. We need a monarch who, in the weekly meetings with the prime minister, questions intensely the reasoning and rationale behind decisions taken at Number Ten. And we need this to be done 'for the good of the people.'

Because, at the moment, we have nobody to hold the Prime Minister and his cabinet to account. Nobody to say, 'Oi, what the bloody hell do you think you're doing, one wonders?'

Instead, let's have a monarchy that has actual impact and puts the fear of God into government. If Henry VIII was on the throne, heads would roll, and in his case you only had to be married to him for that to happen.

But at the moment, Buffoon Boris answers to nobody, fears nobody, and does whatever he
likes. And gets away with it. Above all else that is the thing that should not, must not, be allowed. It is the equivalent of Putin electing himself to rule for another thirty years or whatever, or Idi Amin calling himself the King of Scotland and shooting anyone who disagrees. 

The monarchy has become little more than a tourist attraction and a reality TV show. It's time we drew on some of its more distant history and reinvented what it should be. For heaven's sake, David Bowie and Madonna knew how to reinvent their personas so that they didn't go out of fashion - why can't the royals?

Charles, Edward, Harry and Wills (let's leave Andrew out of this), and Princess Anne - who I suspect has more common sense than the rest of them put together - could, in principle, form a very powerful royal oversight group whose job it is to protect the best interests of the people by scrutinising government decision-making processes, and its actual decisions. It could, where doubt was raised, initiate royal commissions to investigate alleged derring-do, on the premise that if the chief executive or any of his team were found guilty of misdemeanours they would not only lose their jobs but their privileges and pensions too. And, where appropriate, their titles.

That, if nothing else - the possibility that they lose their jobs, their privileges and their statuses - should be enough to bring them to bear. To work for the good of the country rather than themselves, and to implement robust and transparent decision-making so that nothing is left to question. The monarchy should be a guardian of the people so that we can all relax knowing that there is, ultimately, a higher authority to which our elected representatives are answerable. Because at the moment, they can do whatever they like, destroying lives and livelihoods as they go, and get away with it.

Time for it to stop, your Majesty.

Working From Home

The isolated BoJo

Britain's Prime Minister has said that I now have to stay at home for a couple of weeks. Not personally of course; Boris didn't call me up and say, 'Mike, BoJo here. Just wanted you to know that with Coronavirus now driving my policies even more than Dominic, it might actually be a good idea for you not to go to the pub. I mean, quite so often. Or preferably not at all. Also, stay away from restaurants and theatres etc. Cheerio!'

But I got the message, along with everyone else, that it's best to do a bit of that isolation thing, to help flatten the curve and so forth. On the back of Boris's announcement, my wife Liz has been told by her employers to work from home (or WFH as the acronym has it). 'WTF, WFH?' she exclaimed just yesterday when she got the directive. 'OMG!' she said, punching the air. She's trendy with her acronym usage, possibly due to FOMO.

Isolation essentials

FYI she's just come back from an 0630 trip to the supermarket to buy supplies for us - Burgundy, Chardonnay, Riesling, that sort of thing - and said that even at that ridiculously early hour Tesco was 'like a Saturday afternoon', so obviously everyone else is in survival mode and preparing for a fortnight of staying home. (Brings a whole new definition to the term Remainers, she noted)

But I can tell you now that I didn't punch the air - I just felt like punching Boris because I'm at home 99 percent of the time anyway, so I was already flattening the Covid-19 curve without even trying. And I've been wearing face masks, but that's because I spend most of my time doing home renovation stuff that involves lots of dust and chaos. (In fact we even developed a crest with the Latin motto for that: Pulvis et Inordinatio). In short, I deserve a mention in the Queen's Birthday Honours for services to public health. Mike Bodnar, D.I.Y., O.B.E.

So to be at home for two weeks is, for me, something of a busman's holiday (Millennials, just Google it) and my daily routines of measuring, sawing, sanding and painting will remain unchanged. I'm not sure whether my need for another box of 5x50 general purpose-type brass screws will qualify as 'essential' and enable me to travel to the hardware store but we'll see. And if I am allowed to go out at least I have a good supply of face masks, hairnet-type head covers, safety goggles and rubber gloves, so I can look like something out of The Andromeda Strain without trying.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

But Liz has come up with an idea that legitimately allows us out for 'essential travel': across the way from us is a row of houses in which almost every occupant is in the vulnerable category due to age and/ or medical conditions, so we're going to do a leaflet drop and offer to do their grocery shopping for them if they'd like. Of course they could choose to shop online and have everything delivered, but they might actually prefer a neighbour's help. As Liz pointed out, while Brexit divided the nation, it could be that Coronavirus brings it back together, united in adversity as it were. A bit like the Second World War and the Dig for Victory campaign, only more like Digging In for Victory.

The fact that while we're out doing shopping for our local vulnerables and that one of them might - just possibly, almost by accident - need some Chardonnay and a box of 5x50 brass screws is of course pure coincidence. Honestly officer.


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